Nobody (Who Really Matters) Cares

Some of my old hang-ups have recently begun to rear their ugly heads. I am finally beginning to honestly deal with them. I realize that it is time to work through my issues; otherwise I would just be fooling myself about achieving some type of real, personal growth. It also doesn’t hurt that their manifestations aren’t as intense or serious as they once were.

I have never wanted to admit it, but I care on some level about appearances and expectations – things which I have often professed mean nothing in the long run. I have always played that part of my personality off. Yet, for some reason, it still matters what others think of me. Maybe I am still something of a perfectionist or an elitist. I can’t really call it. I just know that it is there.

I have always played it cool and aloof (or so I thought). Oftentimes, I have been really standoffish, so much so that it has probably affected or even ruined potentially good relationships. It has probably made me seem pretty goofy.

Anyway, the latest manifestation cropped up a couple of weeks ago. I was invited to an old friend’s surprise 40th birthday party. I accepted the invitation even though I hate hanging out / being around people with whom I went to high school. (I just hate most of that really awkward, weird period of my life. But who doesn’t.)

I was overly concerned with the car that I was driving (along with my current low maintenance hairstyle, my living arrangements, and my financial status). The car is old and not in the best shape. It, however, does what is important: it gets me around safely. Nonetheless, I parked it around the corner so that no one would see it. As irrational and unnecessary as it was, that’s what I did.

Surprise, surprise!! Nobody cared; just like nobody cares about it anywhere I go. And, deep down, I know this. The old affectations and stupidity kicked in and threatened to ruin a nice afternoon.

Over the last few years, I have taken a lot of cheap shots from the little (minded) people in my life. All of them have curiously high expectations of me and of what I can do for them. Even more curious is the fact that none of them have done anything or have offered to do anything for me. Combine that with my being at a real low point and my old hang-ups and you get a guy whose (false) self image has taken a real beating.

The thing that I have to keep reminding myself is that the opinions and things about which I occasionally stress myself out are really my own random assumptions and projections. They tell me that I am worried about the wrong things. When it comes down to it, the people that I consider important to me and worth my time don’t care about the things in my life. They care about me, not what I drive or whether I can afford the latest popular gadget.

The people who truly care have my back. And a lot of them are going through the same kind of stuff that I am experiencing. They keep me encouraged and I do my best to return the favor. So I figure that the best thing that I can do is ignore the idiots and my hang-ups and stick with the true friends.