Doing for Dad

I have been taking lot of time to reflect on my relationship with my dad. I have come up with some observations of him and of how we interacted that have really made me step back from the mundane grind and have forced me to evaluate some basic things about myself. As I said in an earlier post, I will be putting a few of those thoughts in this blog. Here is one.

When Dad had his final stroke, he was confined to a wheelchair. He had no control over his right side and couldn’t do much for himself. He couldn’t do simple things like go to the bathroom by himself. And believe me he tried. He ended up on the floor a couple of times because he couldn’t stand using bed pans and waiting for people to clean him up.

Beginning when he went to the nursing home for rehab, I would give him a good clean shave every couple of days. Unlike the nursing home workers, I did it the right way – the way he taught me. I would put a hot cloth on his face to clean his face and loosen his beard. Then, I would put on the shaving cream and carefully give him a good, clean shave. I would finish by wiping off the excess shaving cream, putting another hot towel on his face, and then applying some witch hazel to his face.

When he couldn’t stand being in the nursing home, we brought him back to his apartment. Our responsibility went up exponentially. My sister took the lead; she was there almost all day, every day. I helped as much as I could. I helped by getting him onto the toilet. I would also get him into the shower to bathe him. I can tell you from experience that there is nothing pleasant about lifting a 200 + pound man and carefully moving him around when he can’t help you.

Women have beauty rituals that help them to maintain their sense of self and their self image. While not as recognized, men have grooming rituals that are essential to maintaining a sense of calm and normalcy. Just about any man out there will tell you that a shave and a hot shower can do wonders for your outlook.

I hope that what I was able to do for Dad made his last months more bearable. I hope that he was able to maintain a sense of dignity and a sense of himself even though he couldn’t do for himself. And, although helping him could be difficult and sometimes frustrating, at my core, I was glad to be there for him.