I have decided to take a very bold step this year. I am not sure that I would have been willing to do this before I went through with all of this introspection and contemplation. I figure there is no sense in denying myself. Well anyway, here goes:
I am a geek, or a nerd, whichever you prefer. (I'm sure that at first glance I don't look like one.)
Now, people who read this and know me are probably saying: “Tell me something that I don’t know about you.” They are right. I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself. Somehow, I thought that maybe I could hide it, but that was just nonsense.
As I have reflected on my life, I have found a lot of things that point to my geekiness (if there is such a word). Here is a partial list of my nerdy activities for your general information and perverse entertainment.
• I read voraciously.
• I can actually use words like “voraciously” in a sentence.
• I read science fiction and fantasy. (Yes, I read Lord of the Rings.)
• The non-fiction that I read would twist the minds of most normal, non-nerd human beings.
• I collected comic books from age 12 to age 30.
• I was the fat kid in the orchestra who played bass violin. (I was really good and made All-State.)
• I am a trekkie. The latest movie was amazing.
• I excited by and drool over new technology.
• I went to academic summer programs during middle and high school. In other words, I went to school year-round, willingly.
• I love to learn.
• I went to elite, private universities.
• I made a living as a computer technician.
• I possess a large, internal storehouse of useless trivia, with which I can regale you at the drop of a hat.
• I am BLOGGING.
I don’t think that I need to list much more. All of those things individually or combined point directly to my nerdiness. The thing that has changed for me is my attitude toward being a geek. I used to think that being a geek would exclude me from doing things that the beautiful people do, like having girlfriends or going to clubs or owning a really nice car. I guess I tried to hide my nerdiness from the world. Again, I was only fooling myself.
Now, I am ready to face the world as I truly am and admit that I am a nerd. And that is good enough for me. (This does not mean that I will be hiking up my pants and snorting when I laugh like Steve Urkel.)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Doing for Dad
I have been taking lot of time to reflect on my relationship with my dad. I have come up with some observations of him and of how we interacted that have really made me step back from the mundane grind and have forced me to evaluate some basic things about myself. As I said in an earlier post, I will be putting a few of those thoughts in this blog. Here is one.
When Dad had his final stroke, he was confined to a wheelchair. He had no control over his right side and couldn’t do much for himself. He couldn’t do simple things like go to the bathroom by himself. And believe me he tried. He ended up on the floor a couple of times because he couldn’t stand using bed pans and waiting for people to clean him up.
Beginning when he went to the nursing home for rehab, I would give him a good clean shave every couple of days. Unlike the nursing home workers, I did it the right way – the way he taught me. I would put a hot cloth on his face to clean his face and loosen his beard. Then, I would put on the shaving cream and carefully give him a good, clean shave. I would finish by wiping off the excess shaving cream, putting another hot towel on his face, and then applying some witch hazel to his face.
When he couldn’t stand being in the nursing home, we brought him back to his apartment. Our responsibility went up exponentially. My sister took the lead; she was there almost all day, every day. I helped as much as I could. I helped by getting him onto the toilet. I would also get him into the shower to bathe him. I can tell you from experience that there is nothing pleasant about lifting a 200 + pound man and carefully moving him around when he can’t help you.
Women have beauty rituals that help them to maintain their sense of self and their self image. While not as recognized, men have grooming rituals that are essential to maintaining a sense of calm and normalcy. Just about any man out there will tell you that a shave and a hot shower can do wonders for your outlook.
I hope that what I was able to do for Dad made his last months more bearable. I hope that he was able to maintain a sense of dignity and a sense of himself even though he couldn’t do for himself. And, although helping him could be difficult and sometimes frustrating, at my core, I was glad to be there for him.
When Dad had his final stroke, he was confined to a wheelchair. He had no control over his right side and couldn’t do much for himself. He couldn’t do simple things like go to the bathroom by himself. And believe me he tried. He ended up on the floor a couple of times because he couldn’t stand using bed pans and waiting for people to clean him up.
Beginning when he went to the nursing home for rehab, I would give him a good clean shave every couple of days. Unlike the nursing home workers, I did it the right way – the way he taught me. I would put a hot cloth on his face to clean his face and loosen his beard. Then, I would put on the shaving cream and carefully give him a good, clean shave. I would finish by wiping off the excess shaving cream, putting another hot towel on his face, and then applying some witch hazel to his face.
When he couldn’t stand being in the nursing home, we brought him back to his apartment. Our responsibility went up exponentially. My sister took the lead; she was there almost all day, every day. I helped as much as I could. I helped by getting him onto the toilet. I would also get him into the shower to bathe him. I can tell you from experience that there is nothing pleasant about lifting a 200 + pound man and carefully moving him around when he can’t help you.
Women have beauty rituals that help them to maintain their sense of self and their self image. While not as recognized, men have grooming rituals that are essential to maintaining a sense of calm and normalcy. Just about any man out there will tell you that a shave and a hot shower can do wonders for your outlook.
I hope that what I was able to do for Dad made his last months more bearable. I hope that he was able to maintain a sense of dignity and a sense of himself even though he couldn’t do for himself. And, although helping him could be difficult and sometimes frustrating, at my core, I was glad to be there for him.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Maybe Most Old People Aren't All Full of It
I have spent the last few years writing off my parents’ generation, specifically due to the words and actions of five of my family members. They have shown a real lack of character, insight, and emotional intelligence in our interactions. They have spawned and perpetuated conflict in just about everything that they have done while denying any responsibility for all of the shit that they have stirred up. I have wrongly assumed that most members of that generation are the same as the above mentioned knuckleheads. In doing so, I have probably missed out on a lot of good interaction and advice. Three conversations and visits have helped to change my point of view, at least partially.
The first was with an uncle. I call him an uncle even though we are not related. He is as close to me and my family as any blood relative. I have known him all of my life. His son was one of my closest friends growing up. He and his family are some of the best people that I know. They know at a very profound and fundamental level what family is supposed to mean. This uncle is cool and not at all in an artificial or forced way. He is so cool that he doesn’t know how cool he is. He is always smiling and joking; he is great to be around.
Our conversation was nothing spectacular. He simply showed me some new renovations that he and my aunt were doing to their house. They have gone through several iterations of renovation, each to a different section and each enhancing the function and livability of their house. Nothing that they were doing was done to outdo their neighbors. Instead they were moving forward to take advantage of everything that they had to improve the quality of their lives. The changes that they were making reflected a kind of conscious evolution that is an expression of wisdom.
The second conversation was with another uncle. He came over a couple of days after my father died. (That is so hard to write.) I asked him some questions about his experiences because I am contemplating doing some things that he has already done. He gave me some good advice and related some of his experiences and mistakes.
Our conversation quickly turned to the relationship between our families. There have been periods of years where we didn’t interact. It wasn’t due to any personal animosity; instead it was due to conflict between my mother and his sister. We both knew that the silliness between them was unnecessary and shouldn’t have gone as far as it did to keep our families apart. It let me know that, for his part, he was ending it right there, even though it had nothing to do with him. I was glad for his words because I felt the same way.
The third conversation was with my older brother. Well, it wasn’t so much a conversation as a recapitulation of our earlier, disappointing interaction. My brother is the type of person who makes you want to beat his ass. When we went to Virginia to bury my cousin, he showed up drunk and stank. One of my cousin’s friends showed up and threatened to whip his ass if he embarrassed our family in public ever again. I really couldn’t object or jump in because I agreed with him.
When we went to Virginia to memorialize my dad, my younger brother and I stayed with my older brother at my cousin’s house. Of course, his demons and addictions were on full display. It was disgusting and embarrassing that he decided to act the way he did. We went and stayed with another cousin the second and third nights that we were there, mostly to keep from literally killing him.
My brother has spent his whole life – 50 years – defined by pain or anger or something. He can’t seem to let go of it all to free himself. His attitude and his actions have alienated everyone around him. His existence must be lonely. He is either looking to prove himself or he is looking for a fight. Whatever it is that he is looking for, I hope I am not around when he finds it. He is in for a world of hurt and I prefer not to be around to see it or to get caught up in it.
I relate all of this to say that I am going to do my best to stop generalizing about groups of people based on involuntary things like age. I am also going to stop extrapolating based on my experience with a few idiots. Maybe all baby boomers aren’t nuts and full of shit. My uncles have a lot of wisdom and positive examples to offer. What they have to offer has nothing to do with my narrow preconceptions.
The first was with an uncle. I call him an uncle even though we are not related. He is as close to me and my family as any blood relative. I have known him all of my life. His son was one of my closest friends growing up. He and his family are some of the best people that I know. They know at a very profound and fundamental level what family is supposed to mean. This uncle is cool and not at all in an artificial or forced way. He is so cool that he doesn’t know how cool he is. He is always smiling and joking; he is great to be around.
Our conversation was nothing spectacular. He simply showed me some new renovations that he and my aunt were doing to their house. They have gone through several iterations of renovation, each to a different section and each enhancing the function and livability of their house. Nothing that they were doing was done to outdo their neighbors. Instead they were moving forward to take advantage of everything that they had to improve the quality of their lives. The changes that they were making reflected a kind of conscious evolution that is an expression of wisdom.
The second conversation was with another uncle. He came over a couple of days after my father died. (That is so hard to write.) I asked him some questions about his experiences because I am contemplating doing some things that he has already done. He gave me some good advice and related some of his experiences and mistakes.
Our conversation quickly turned to the relationship between our families. There have been periods of years where we didn’t interact. It wasn’t due to any personal animosity; instead it was due to conflict between my mother and his sister. We both knew that the silliness between them was unnecessary and shouldn’t have gone as far as it did to keep our families apart. It let me know that, for his part, he was ending it right there, even though it had nothing to do with him. I was glad for his words because I felt the same way.
The third conversation was with my older brother. Well, it wasn’t so much a conversation as a recapitulation of our earlier, disappointing interaction. My brother is the type of person who makes you want to beat his ass. When we went to Virginia to bury my cousin, he showed up drunk and stank. One of my cousin’s friends showed up and threatened to whip his ass if he embarrassed our family in public ever again. I really couldn’t object or jump in because I agreed with him.
When we went to Virginia to memorialize my dad, my younger brother and I stayed with my older brother at my cousin’s house. Of course, his demons and addictions were on full display. It was disgusting and embarrassing that he decided to act the way he did. We went and stayed with another cousin the second and third nights that we were there, mostly to keep from literally killing him.
My brother has spent his whole life – 50 years – defined by pain or anger or something. He can’t seem to let go of it all to free himself. His attitude and his actions have alienated everyone around him. His existence must be lonely. He is either looking to prove himself or he is looking for a fight. Whatever it is that he is looking for, I hope I am not around when he finds it. He is in for a world of hurt and I prefer not to be around to see it or to get caught up in it.
I relate all of this to say that I am going to do my best to stop generalizing about groups of people based on involuntary things like age. I am also going to stop extrapolating based on my experience with a few idiots. Maybe all baby boomers aren’t nuts and full of shit. My uncles have a lot of wisdom and positive examples to offer. What they have to offer has nothing to do with my narrow preconceptions.
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