We had two funerals for my dad: one on Tuesday the 19th in Atlanta and then one on Friday the 22nd in Norfolk, VA where he grew up. On Saturday the 23rd, we spread his ashes into the ocean like he asked. He is probably somewhere mad that we spent a bunch of money buying food for the meals after his services. He would have said that we could have used the money to do something else. That is just how he was.
I have to leave a lasting tribute to him somewhere. I don't have the money right now to erect a monument or to get a building at a school named after him. Until I can do those things, I will put up the words that I said about him through my tears at his first service.
Eugene Tyler was a man. He was my dad.
There are a lot of ways and words that can be used to describe my dad. He could be funny or contrary, stoic or silly, cantankerous or reflective. He had charm, class, and definitely a lot of style. How many times can my siblings or I remember him telling us that we should be wearing dark socks with our slacks?
Dad definitely had a lot of pride without being prideful. No matter what was happening, he carried himself with a great amount of dignity. Throughout everything, he held his head up and didn’t let things become more than he could handle. Even when he was confined to a wheelchair, he never let it get the best of him.
Two words are most appropriate to me when I think of him: sincerity and sacrifice.
Dad was sincere. If you didn’t know where you stood with my dad, you either weren’t paying attention or you weren’t being honest with yourself. You always knew what he thought of you because there was no guile in him. He wasn’t afraid to tell you what he thought and why. Whether you were the President, the Pope, or anyone else, he would let you know. He always meant what he said. Every time he spoke, it was like he was giving his word.
Dad made sacrifice a habit. He was never hesitant to go without so that we could have the things that we needed. He would skip meals and sometimes not buy everything that he needed so that he could give us some money to help with a bill or take care of some pressing concern. It was second nature to him to give up his own pleasure to ensure that we were taken care of. Although I didn’t say it enough, I appreciated what he did for me. I think that we all did.
I will miss him. And I hope that I can develop enough wisdom to learn some lessons from his example.
Eugene Tyler was a man.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Eugene W. Tyler (6/17/1934 - 1/14/2010)
Today my father died. I really didn't expect it. He was confined to a wheelchair because he had two strokes last year, but there were no real signs that he would take an immediate turn for the worse.
My sister was with him when he went. I am glad she was there. It is most appropriate that she was with him. Of the four of us, she was the only girl. Her birthday is the day after his. They always had a special bond.
She had been primary in helping to deal with his everyday tasks because of his paralysis. I must say that I was really impressed with the way that she was taking care of business for him. I did as much as I could to help. None of us could have done any more than we did. I am wholeheartedly sure of that, if nothing else.
Over the next couple of posts, I am going to try to express some of the things that will always stick with me about him. Right now, I am just trying to get over the shock and maybe stop crying.
Eugene Tyler was a man - for real!
Eugene W. Tyler (6/17/1934 - 1/14/2010)
My sister was with him when he went. I am glad she was there. It is most appropriate that she was with him. Of the four of us, she was the only girl. Her birthday is the day after his. They always had a special bond.
She had been primary in helping to deal with his everyday tasks because of his paralysis. I must say that I was really impressed with the way that she was taking care of business for him. I did as much as I could to help. None of us could have done any more than we did. I am wholeheartedly sure of that, if nothing else.
Over the next couple of posts, I am going to try to express some of the things that will always stick with me about him. Right now, I am just trying to get over the shock and maybe stop crying.
Eugene Tyler was a man - for real!
Eugene W. Tyler (6/17/1934 - 1/14/2010)
Monday, January 11, 2010
I Gotta Stop Saying I Gotta
It seems like every time that I try to fix things I get caught up in some mess. When I try to help people do things I get the short end of the stick. People talk about me bad. I just can’t win. And every time I end up in a bad position due to my altruism, the old phrase “no good deed ever goes unpunished” comes to mind.
I have spent a lot of time wondering why bad things happen when I try to do the “right thing.” I mean, it is the right thing. I was taught that the best thing to do when you see a problem is to try to solve it. As a “good” person, I should take responsibility for what goes on around me, right.
Or maybe this, like so many things that I grew up believing, just isn’t true. I think that all of this time, I have been overstepping my boundaries and interfering with the natural progression of events. Most of the things in which I have involved myself (unnecessarily) have been things which could just as easily have progressed or resolved without my interference.
Maybe it’s arrogance or pride, or a misplaced sense or justice that I picked up from watching too much television as a kid. Who knows? Regardless, I find myself saying that “I gotta do this” or “I gotta make this work.” Most of the time, I really don’t “gotta.”
I think I am a natural problem solver. I like finding resolutions or correct answers; it speaks to my meticulous and precise (dare I say perfectionist) nature. Some of the people in my circles have recognized that and taken advantage of that many times. They screw things up and leave them for me to fix. They don’t do this out of necessity or of some sense of reciprocity or out of fair play. They do it out of a criminal sense of entitlement. “I made a mess and you have to clean it up.” They know that my dumb/smart ass will swoop in to try to help matters and put out the fire.
I think that my actions in the long term have a destructive side. No one learns the lesson that will prevent future recurrences. I know that I haven’t learned because I keep getting caught up. I know that the sources of the problem haven’t learned either because they keep repeating their mistakes. There are no consequences, so why shouldn’t they keep doing stupid stuff. They don’t have to clean up after themselves.
I have recently spent time consciously restraining myself from jumping to the rescue. Hopefully my restraint will retrain me to let things happen as they will. Someone in my life committed to doing something that takes up all of their time, gives them no latitude to do anything else, and causes them stress and grief. I resolved that since they signed up for it, they should have to face the consequences, repercussions, and fallout of their commitment.
I talked to them about the situation. They said that the situation is getting out of hand and that they are going to have to find a better alternative. I simply told them that I had to let them see that this would happen. I also knew that I had to see it to know that it would eventually play out the way that it did. Fortunately, this time I was not the primary actor; I didn’t sustain a lot of punishment for my minor role in this situation.
Something struck me a couple of days ago. Whenever I enter into one of these situations, I talk about taking responsibility. In an oddball way, that phraseology may be the key to understanding my bad results. I am taking responsibility. Should I be taking the responsibility? Does it belong to me? Maybe the act of “taking” responsibility is, on some Karmic level, a criminal act. By interfering with the natural motion and flow of the Universe, I am disturbing some essential lesson being taught to the person who creates the problem that I want to solve.
Maybe my poor results are the Universe giving me a piece of the punishment meant for the other transgressors. I am just too stupid to get out of the way and let those who deserve punishment take it. It can be painful to watch someone hose themselves. But I am sure that watching is less painful than absorbing real punishment. I think that what I must do is be more mindful of what I step into. I have got to let things be as they are, let go of any false need to save the day and keep on moving.
I have spent a lot of time wondering why bad things happen when I try to do the “right thing.” I mean, it is the right thing. I was taught that the best thing to do when you see a problem is to try to solve it. As a “good” person, I should take responsibility for what goes on around me, right.
Or maybe this, like so many things that I grew up believing, just isn’t true. I think that all of this time, I have been overstepping my boundaries and interfering with the natural progression of events. Most of the things in which I have involved myself (unnecessarily) have been things which could just as easily have progressed or resolved without my interference.
Maybe it’s arrogance or pride, or a misplaced sense or justice that I picked up from watching too much television as a kid. Who knows? Regardless, I find myself saying that “I gotta do this” or “I gotta make this work.” Most of the time, I really don’t “gotta.”
I think I am a natural problem solver. I like finding resolutions or correct answers; it speaks to my meticulous and precise (dare I say perfectionist) nature. Some of the people in my circles have recognized that and taken advantage of that many times. They screw things up and leave them for me to fix. They don’t do this out of necessity or of some sense of reciprocity or out of fair play. They do it out of a criminal sense of entitlement. “I made a mess and you have to clean it up.” They know that my dumb/smart ass will swoop in to try to help matters and put out the fire.
I think that my actions in the long term have a destructive side. No one learns the lesson that will prevent future recurrences. I know that I haven’t learned because I keep getting caught up. I know that the sources of the problem haven’t learned either because they keep repeating their mistakes. There are no consequences, so why shouldn’t they keep doing stupid stuff. They don’t have to clean up after themselves.
I have recently spent time consciously restraining myself from jumping to the rescue. Hopefully my restraint will retrain me to let things happen as they will. Someone in my life committed to doing something that takes up all of their time, gives them no latitude to do anything else, and causes them stress and grief. I resolved that since they signed up for it, they should have to face the consequences, repercussions, and fallout of their commitment.
I talked to them about the situation. They said that the situation is getting out of hand and that they are going to have to find a better alternative. I simply told them that I had to let them see that this would happen. I also knew that I had to see it to know that it would eventually play out the way that it did. Fortunately, this time I was not the primary actor; I didn’t sustain a lot of punishment for my minor role in this situation.
Something struck me a couple of days ago. Whenever I enter into one of these situations, I talk about taking responsibility. In an oddball way, that phraseology may be the key to understanding my bad results. I am taking responsibility. Should I be taking the responsibility? Does it belong to me? Maybe the act of “taking” responsibility is, on some Karmic level, a criminal act. By interfering with the natural motion and flow of the Universe, I am disturbing some essential lesson being taught to the person who creates the problem that I want to solve.
Maybe my poor results are the Universe giving me a piece of the punishment meant for the other transgressors. I am just too stupid to get out of the way and let those who deserve punishment take it. It can be painful to watch someone hose themselves. But I am sure that watching is less painful than absorbing real punishment. I think that what I must do is be more mindful of what I step into. I have got to let things be as they are, let go of any false need to save the day and keep on moving.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
What Happened To You, Man?
What happened to you, man? You used to be beautiful. – Ordell Robbie to Louis Gara (played by Samuel L. Jackson and Robert De Niro, respectively, in Jackie Brown) Watch the movie; it's a great scene.
This is how I thought of my life up until a few months ago. I thought that somehow I had peaked during my high school years, slacked off in college, and was faced with a long lifetime of sliding into obscurity and mediocrity. I had done well and gotten a few things accomplished, but nothing had really paid off and I had not made the big-time in anything that I had done. Sure, I had done more than most, but it really didn’t count for much in the long run or in terms of my expectations of myself.
All of this introspection that I have been doing lately has convinced me that I have been wrong about framing my life in this way. The phrase “time heals all wounds” applies to this; or maybe time dulls the pain of the past. Thinking back on the past, I realize that everything wasn’t all that great. I often felt like a fish out of water. I had to find all kinds of ways to armor and protect myself from people and circumstances that didn’t have my best interests in mind.
In many cases, I wasn’t able to or wasn’t allowed to work to my potential because of politics or simply not knowing any better. Other times, I just didn’t do the work. I think that in some ways I am just idealizing a past whose pain I have forgotten and whose pleasures I have fantasized up to greater heights. Either way, it was not all that it was cracked up to be. I also know how truly ignorant and short-sighted I was back then; not that I am that much wiser now. Now, I think that I know what I don’t know. Then, I didn’t have a clue.
Now that I look back, I recognize that I really didn’t have a great life. I was rolling along on expectations that were generated for me by people around me. Those expectations had nothing to do with me finding contentment or fulfillment. They didn’t treat me as an individual with my own unique needs. And they for damn sure didn’t place any value on my happiness.
Taking all this in now, I find that I have the opportunity to do something that most people don’t try to do: I have the opportunity to engineer the life I want. I am now truly committed to becoming the artist who paints a picture of the life that he wants. I have no more excuses because they really don’t mean shit. I also can’t procrastinate anymore because I am finding that it is actually easier to just do the work and be done with it.
I have come to the point where I am attempting to remove all of the distractions, negativity, and general bullshit of everyday life. I am trying to totally focus on gathering the resources and circumstances around me to accomplish the tasks that I have set before myself. I am moving toward putting all of my primary effort toward reshaping myself and my immediate environment to my purpose.
In this process, I am learning two truly profound things. First, and for lack of a better way to say it, you can’t impress Life. Life doesn’t really care whether you win or lose or whether you meet some arbitrary, societal standard. That kind of stuff really isn’t important and doesn’t qualify me for bonus points in the Game of Life. It’s only important to people, and usually to people I don’t want to be near. Approval of my goals and accomplishments is up to me.
Second, it takes little victories on a consistent basis to win battles and to make progress. This has been the more difficult lesson to learn. I learned at an early age that it was important that I do as much as I can do at every opportunity to accomplish a goal. I am finding now that is not a good strategy to follow. Cramming is not a good way to study or to accomplish goals.
I think that a lot of this comes from the need to appear busy or rushed or pressured. People want to see you sweating and hustling toward something, even when that type of activity or effort is not necessary. For some reason, people get jealous when things are made to look too easy. I am beginning to truly not give a damn about people’s feelings.
I am finding that real planning and task management are much more important than super effort. I have found myself doing small things every day and getting closer to my goals much quicker than I could by trying to get it all done at once. It amazes me because it almost seems too easy. The results, however, are beginning to speak for themselves, to me at least.
Anyway, I feel like a door is beginning to open on a newer, better, brighter version of life for me. In some ways, I think that I just had to calm down, focus, and allow it to happen instead of trying to force it.
Dedicated to my boy "Thumper"
This is how I thought of my life up until a few months ago. I thought that somehow I had peaked during my high school years, slacked off in college, and was faced with a long lifetime of sliding into obscurity and mediocrity. I had done well and gotten a few things accomplished, but nothing had really paid off and I had not made the big-time in anything that I had done. Sure, I had done more than most, but it really didn’t count for much in the long run or in terms of my expectations of myself.
All of this introspection that I have been doing lately has convinced me that I have been wrong about framing my life in this way. The phrase “time heals all wounds” applies to this; or maybe time dulls the pain of the past. Thinking back on the past, I realize that everything wasn’t all that great. I often felt like a fish out of water. I had to find all kinds of ways to armor and protect myself from people and circumstances that didn’t have my best interests in mind.
In many cases, I wasn’t able to or wasn’t allowed to work to my potential because of politics or simply not knowing any better. Other times, I just didn’t do the work. I think that in some ways I am just idealizing a past whose pain I have forgotten and whose pleasures I have fantasized up to greater heights. Either way, it was not all that it was cracked up to be. I also know how truly ignorant and short-sighted I was back then; not that I am that much wiser now. Now, I think that I know what I don’t know. Then, I didn’t have a clue.
Now that I look back, I recognize that I really didn’t have a great life. I was rolling along on expectations that were generated for me by people around me. Those expectations had nothing to do with me finding contentment or fulfillment. They didn’t treat me as an individual with my own unique needs. And they for damn sure didn’t place any value on my happiness.
Taking all this in now, I find that I have the opportunity to do something that most people don’t try to do: I have the opportunity to engineer the life I want. I am now truly committed to becoming the artist who paints a picture of the life that he wants. I have no more excuses because they really don’t mean shit. I also can’t procrastinate anymore because I am finding that it is actually easier to just do the work and be done with it.
I have come to the point where I am attempting to remove all of the distractions, negativity, and general bullshit of everyday life. I am trying to totally focus on gathering the resources and circumstances around me to accomplish the tasks that I have set before myself. I am moving toward putting all of my primary effort toward reshaping myself and my immediate environment to my purpose.
In this process, I am learning two truly profound things. First, and for lack of a better way to say it, you can’t impress Life. Life doesn’t really care whether you win or lose or whether you meet some arbitrary, societal standard. That kind of stuff really isn’t important and doesn’t qualify me for bonus points in the Game of Life. It’s only important to people, and usually to people I don’t want to be near. Approval of my goals and accomplishments is up to me.
Second, it takes little victories on a consistent basis to win battles and to make progress. This has been the more difficult lesson to learn. I learned at an early age that it was important that I do as much as I can do at every opportunity to accomplish a goal. I am finding now that is not a good strategy to follow. Cramming is not a good way to study or to accomplish goals.
I think that a lot of this comes from the need to appear busy or rushed or pressured. People want to see you sweating and hustling toward something, even when that type of activity or effort is not necessary. For some reason, people get jealous when things are made to look too easy. I am beginning to truly not give a damn about people’s feelings.
I am finding that real planning and task management are much more important than super effort. I have found myself doing small things every day and getting closer to my goals much quicker than I could by trying to get it all done at once. It amazes me because it almost seems too easy. The results, however, are beginning to speak for themselves, to me at least.
Anyway, I feel like a door is beginning to open on a newer, better, brighter version of life for me. In some ways, I think that I just had to calm down, focus, and allow it to happen instead of trying to force it.
Dedicated to my boy "Thumper"
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