Facing My Dishonesty

I thought that I had avoided it. I made a true effort to avoid it at all costs. I think that all of that avoidance helped me to run straight into it; straight into fundamental, personal dishonesty. I have been building a (false) self-image in which I placed myself above certain concerns and definitions. All the while, I have been lying to myself about a lot of things that I have found less than desirable about myself and those around me. I am sure that everyone around me can see through the crap I have been throwing out there as a justification for my actions. In the end, I think that the only person that I have been fooling is me.

For a long time I have sought to deny certain character traits that I now find I would have been much better off embracing. Here is an example. While I am typically laid back, there is a certain amount of aggressiveness to my personality. It comes through in the way that I argue or state my case. I go for the throat and I don’t suffer fools readily. I am sure that everyone around me sees that I don’t hide my emotions well when I am ticked off. I try to avoid admitting this but I am only hiding those traits from myself.

I admit that I have a temper that I have spent a long time trying to control. I have assiduously avoided going off because I don’t know where it will lead or how far I will go. While it keeps me from being incarcerated or from being sued, it doesn’t necessarily bode well for my health or sense of balance. Sometimes to regain balance, I need to let go and release the pressure that is constantly building inside. There just don’t seem to be a lot of things that I can or want to do to channel this energy. I guess that is all part of my struggle.

I have had to admit to myself that there are certain people in my life that I need to let go. They are triggers for strife, anger, resentment, and sometimes hatred. No good can come of any interaction with them. They represent too much that I consider painful and flat out anathema to my existence. No amount of forgiveness or understanding that I can generate will change them, or, more accurately, how I choose to react to them. They have shaped their world the way they see fit and I have shaped mine as I see fit. The two opposing world views are the source of stress which has probably shaved years off of my life; continuing with this conflict is unacceptable. Better to move forward that continue to wallow in the conflict.

I am not sure why I have spent so long trying to avoid admitting that I am human and thus imperfect. (It is the imperfection that creates the adventure that is life and growth.) I have watched a lot of other people go through the same type of thing where they don’t realize that they are trying to hide things from themselves. Or worse yet, they compound their problems by consciously trying to disassociate themselves from their own dark sides. It all leads to no good. Ultimately, it all becomes an ever deepening hole.

Somehow, I have to surrender to a greater reality or a greater sense of Self. I have to accept all of me, even the nasty chunks that I have chosen to try to hide unsuccessfully from the world. I am only denying and confusing myself because I have realized that those that chose to be around me can see through me. Though I can wish to the contrary, I have no special talent for subterfuge. Although I can sometimes lay down a pretty good layer of bullshit from time to time, I am discovering that even that takes too much time and energy. Slowly, and with a great deal of effort, I think that I can allow myself to be just me for better or worse.