Heart to Heart

Tonight, I had one of the best conversations that I have ever had with my dad. He had been watching a show in which there was a lot of talk about abuse. He said that he didn’t realize that so many people suffered abuse growing up. He asked me and my sister whether we thought that we had been abused growing up.

We both said no, but I also said that things weren’t good growing up either. Specifically, I recalled how things were often unpleasant and that sometimes I didn’t want to come home. That was part of my motivation for doing so many things at school as I grew up. In sum, I said that things just should have been better and that we never really worked as a team until now (for his crisis).

What was so cool to me about the conversation is that we talked honestly, openly, and without reservations about how we really felt about life and our place in life. This is really rare for us. And it was truly refreshing to be able to speak my mind and my heart about the state of our lives. I also realize that he was making a real effort to understand himself at the core of his being and to make sense of some of his experience.

I hope that I heard him release some of the pain, anger, and hurt that he has been carrying around all of these years. I think most of all that he is realizing that he isn’t responsible for my choices or the choices of my siblings. I hope that he realizes that I don’t hate him or think that he is a bad person despite our past conflicts.

I think that all of this is really important for him because I believe (not a word I use lightly or often) that this stroke is linked to his life-long emotional state. My dad grew up hard and he had to struggle to get anywhere in life. He had to become the man of the house early and most of his existence has been geared toward survival. Enjoyment, pleasure, and self-indulgence have never played a large role in his life as I have seen him. He has been denied a lot of success and advancement based on circumstances beyond his control. He is a tough guy and has spent most of his 75 years grinding it out, not showing emotion, and ignoring obvious pain. Basically, he has played the role of manhood that he learned coming up.

The last stroke that he suffered left him paralyzed on his right side. He can’t walk and he can’t really take care of himself. I have to give my sister props. She has taken the lead and been there for him every day since we brought him home. I know that she is tired but she is keeping it going. I do as much as I can to help out.

The thing that we have noticed is, when he is asleep, his arm and leg move on their own like they are ready to come back to him. I think that somehow the Universe is forcing him to face himself and his life. He has to let go of his pain to get everything back. It is a hard thing to do, especially when you have been forced all of your life to focus on survival. Tonight may have been a first true step toward letting go.

I hope that I am right and that he will come back to full functionality soon.

As I said, I felt really good about having that talk and I feel hopeful that he is on the way to a better state of mind. I also realized upon reflection and I feel it as I write right now that all of the hurt and grudges that I have felt are gone. I don’t need them and they were bullshit from the start. I feel like this is one of the best gifts I have ever received. Maybe some of the lessons that I have been trying to learn are finally starting to sink in. I hope that I can maintain that realization.

I am beginning to understand what one of my favorite philosophers Robert Anton Wilson was saying when he stated that life without forgiveness isn’t worth living. I think that maybe I am realizing the wisdom in his thought just a little bit.

Facing My Dishonesty

I thought that I had avoided it. I made a true effort to avoid it at all costs. I think that all of that avoidance helped me to run straight into it; straight into fundamental, personal dishonesty. I have been building a (false) self-image in which I placed myself above certain concerns and definitions. All the while, I have been lying to myself about a lot of things that I have found less than desirable about myself and those around me. I am sure that everyone around me can see through the crap I have been throwing out there as a justification for my actions. In the end, I think that the only person that I have been fooling is me.

For a long time I have sought to deny certain character traits that I now find I would have been much better off embracing. Here is an example. While I am typically laid back, there is a certain amount of aggressiveness to my personality. It comes through in the way that I argue or state my case. I go for the throat and I don’t suffer fools readily. I am sure that everyone around me sees that I don’t hide my emotions well when I am ticked off. I try to avoid admitting this but I am only hiding those traits from myself.

I admit that I have a temper that I have spent a long time trying to control. I have assiduously avoided going off because I don’t know where it will lead or how far I will go. While it keeps me from being incarcerated or from being sued, it doesn’t necessarily bode well for my health or sense of balance. Sometimes to regain balance, I need to let go and release the pressure that is constantly building inside. There just don’t seem to be a lot of things that I can or want to do to channel this energy. I guess that is all part of my struggle.

I have had to admit to myself that there are certain people in my life that I need to let go. They are triggers for strife, anger, resentment, and sometimes hatred. No good can come of any interaction with them. They represent too much that I consider painful and flat out anathema to my existence. No amount of forgiveness or understanding that I can generate will change them, or, more accurately, how I choose to react to them. They have shaped their world the way they see fit and I have shaped mine as I see fit. The two opposing world views are the source of stress which has probably shaved years off of my life; continuing with this conflict is unacceptable. Better to move forward that continue to wallow in the conflict.

I am not sure why I have spent so long trying to avoid admitting that I am human and thus imperfect. (It is the imperfection that creates the adventure that is life and growth.) I have watched a lot of other people go through the same type of thing where they don’t realize that they are trying to hide things from themselves. Or worse yet, they compound their problems by consciously trying to disassociate themselves from their own dark sides. It all leads to no good. Ultimately, it all becomes an ever deepening hole.

Somehow, I have to surrender to a greater reality or a greater sense of Self. I have to accept all of me, even the nasty chunks that I have chosen to try to hide unsuccessfully from the world. I am only denying and confusing myself because I have realized that those that chose to be around me can see through me. Though I can wish to the contrary, I have no special talent for subterfuge. Although I can sometimes lay down a pretty good layer of bullshit from time to time, I am discovering that even that takes too much time and energy. Slowly, and with a great deal of effort, I think that I can allow myself to be just me for better or worse.