Spiritual Poverty

I think that I have finally come to the question and circumstance that is central to the conflict that I have been struggling with the last few years; or maybe for my whole life. I can best summarize it by asking why I have failed to live up to my own standards materially. Why are many of the people with whom I went to school doing at least OK when I can’t begin to find a sense of accomplishment that fits my expectations of myself?

It all started when I was trying to take it easy. The other day, I was hanging out with some friends that I had not seen in years. We were going to a cigar shop to smoke a couple of nice premium cigars and drink some Scotch. We were going to meet a few other people, catch up on old times, and maybe tell a lie or two.

One of my friends asked me what I had been going on with me. Ever the smart ass, I casually remarked, “Poverty.” And he came back by saying, “You’re not poor, just broke.”

It was a nice sentiment and I agreed with him at the time. The general concept behind his response is that poverty is a spiritual condition while being broke is temporary and easily corrected. I accepted this because the general sentiment, especially in these days and times, is to keep everything positive and moving toward better things. We both implicitly understood and I agreed with him and we went forward with our good times.

That whole exchange came back to me several times over the subsequent weeks. It has gotten me to think about the concept in another light. It is great that we were trying to be positive and that he was trying to make sure that my spirits were up. I am grateful that I have friends that would take the time to try to push me in a positive direction. I am glad that there are affirmations that can help put me on the right track.

There is something else about that short exchange that bothered me. It was pop psychology; it was shallow. (I am not calling my friend shallow.) Behind that benign and cheerful sentiment for me is the possibility of something that is malignant, subtle, and almost undetectable. The thought keeps coming to me that the calling myself broke instead of poor is a clever avoidance mechanism. It allows me to gloss over the reality that I am experiencing without fully being responsible for its existence. It allows me to ignore the possibility of a malignancy that metastasizes and harms the things within me that are valuable and necessary in my struggle to build a better me.

The thing that I am really trying to wrap my head around is what it really means to be spiritually poor. Does it mean that I have made myself unworthy of happiness and success? Is there something in my character or DNA that is keeping me from what I want? Maybe there is some personal demon that I must exorcise. I don’t know.

I do know that mantras and affirmations are not enough and that they may not be truly honest. They certainly don’t do anything concrete or immediate. I am broke and I continue to be broke. What does that say about what I am doing to improve my condition? I haven’t figured out whether I am doing something detrimental to my well being or whether I am subject to forces beyond my control or comprehension. Sometimes I think that random chance alone should have brought me a better life that the one I am experiencing now.

Not honestly examining whatever this thing is gives it an opportunity to spread. Exposing it to light will kill it and free me to make a quantum leap. I fully understand that the whole process involves seeing some things that may be extremely ugly within me. But, I value freedom too much to avoid looking into the ugliness that lies at the center of my internal conflict.

Saying that I am broke instead of poor puts me in the position to hope that this situation will pass of its own accord or through some type of confluence of advantageous events. This would be great, but it depends on hope; and hope is not a legitimate strategy. Somewhere in all of this is an idea that is beyond simplistic philosophizing and affirmations that is the key to unlocking the doors that will let me exit this phase of my life.

There is something fundamental in all of this I have been missing. And I know that the issue is not really the amount money that I have. Maybe it is allowing the idea of money control how I pursue my life. I need money to do things, but it should not serve as a gauge of who I am internally.

The more questions that I ask the more questions keep popping up. Am I failing at this aspect of my life (according to my own definitions) because of who I am or how hard I work? Am I failing because I have the wrong goals? Am I really failing? Would I really be pursuing the goals that I have placed in front of myself if it weren’t for monetary concerns? What would I do if there were no expectations or pressure? What do really expect or want? What do I need to prove and why can’t I be OK with just being me? Why am I continuously asking all of these questions?

Maybe it is purely internal or some aspect of my social conditioning. Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my ass. I don’t know, yet. Somehow, I have to identify what it is that I am holding onto and hiding from myself that is stopping my progress. I have to keep digging. I just hope that I have the courage and endurance to go far enough to get to the core of myself.