Shifting Gears

Since I started this blog, I have been exposing my shortcomings and problems to the light of day in order to change and heal myself. I have put my thoughts and feelings on display so that I can take a more thorough look at what ails me. I have needed, for a long time, to take a closer, more honest look at what makes me tick and what ticks me off. I think that I have had some success and made some progress toward identifying where I have been going wrong or where I have mislead or misdirected myself.

While identifying problems and counterproductive situations is useful, identification is not enough. Identification doesn’t move me closer to solutions and better ways of doing things. So for a while, at least, I am going to shift gears to try and figure out how to better approach my life. If I am truly lucky, put in some real work, and remain vigilant, I may just come out the better for it.

The more I think back and reflect on what I have written and felt and what I have experienced, the more sure I am that solutions to many of the problems that I face are contained in the questions that I ask. That is not always the case. Yet more often than not, the question, especially how it is phrased, leads me to an answer; hopefully the best answer for me.

One of the most dominant recurring themes that I see in my experience is self sabotage, whether conscious or unconscious, on many different levels. A lot of that self sabotage is due to questioning myself too much. I think that most of that is due to my internal dialogue.

I spend a lot of time arguing with myself over how things should be. Sometimes, I convince myself that I am not worthy of certain forms of success or happiness. I tell myself that I am at fault when things go wrong (many times due to things beyond my control). I even go as far as bringing negative expectations and results into positive situations.

I have had to deal with the terrible effects of this dialogue for most of my life. My conflict and struggle with my internal dialogue creates situations that are much more complex and convoluted than they should be. I have often been left with chaos and disorder that could have and should have been avoided.

I think that my first, and perhaps most difficult, order of business to change the way that I deal with my internal dialogue. I will try to deal with it on the front end instead of after the fact. Maybe by dealing with it before it causes too much destruction, I can avoid some of the mess that I have been mired in for so long. You know the old saying: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

The reason that I know how potentially difficult this might be is because I know something about a lot of the behaviors that I pursue and how those behaviors reflect some of my essential nature. I am a thinker, I am known to get lost in my thoughts and to engage in the paralysis of analysis. I have even been accused of thinking too much, whatever that means. Most of what I consider my success is due to my ability to think and analyze. Frankly, I think that I am good at thinking. And maybe my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.

I have to spend some time and devote some effort to quieting or ignoring my inner dialogue, especially when it conflicts with my gut feelings. I think that it is like overhead or unnecessary action: it takes up space and makes me less effective and less efficient. I am not saying that I am going to stop thinking. Instead, I am going to spend less time and invest less energy on internally generated conflict. Hopefully, I can reclaim and redirect that energy toward something more useful, like being happy.