Here is my obligatory Thanksgiving post:
Over the last few days, I have been able to do some very simple and basic things. I treated a friend and myself to burritos. I put new batteries in a couple of watches; now I can wear my watches for the first time in a couple of years. I bought a few DVD’s for my daughter to help her learn to read. I renewed a piece of licensure that I let lapse months ago. I bought three books on subjects that interest me.
What is so special about all of these things, you may ask? Anyone should be able to do them easily. Well, I couldn’t do these things a few weeks ago without someone’s help. I was able to do everything under my own steam and it means the world to me. It feels good to just be able to get some small personal things done for myself without anyone else’s input.
I never knew how important it was to me to be able to take care of little things until I lost the capability. Now it is like the first warm day in spring. I really can’t overestimate how it makes me feel or how grateful that I am for the opportunity to do it. Sometimes, even the smallest taste of freedom or room to maneuver is enough to change your perspective and make you feel enthusiastic about life.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Real Friendship
With the exception of sunshine, great sex, oxygen, innocent children, brisket, and a few other things that I have failed to remember, friendship is about the best thing in the world. Friendship is all the more special to me because it is something in which people choose to participate. People chose to show each other love respect and all of the other things that make friendships great.
The last few years have shown me what true friendship is. I have always tried to be the type friend that I wanted to have. I have tried to keep my word and provide unquestioning and unwavering support for those that I call my friends. I have prided myself on my honesty, loyalty, and dependability – all of the good, old-fashioned things that the average Boy Scout is told to believe.
Despite my efforts to display the character traits that I value, a lot of my efforts have gone unappreciated and without reciprocation. To be honest, a lot of people that I thought were friends have left me high and dry without any form of consideration or explanation. In addition, I don’t think that I have ever truly learned how to accept help in a way that is palatable to me or those offering help.
Much of my experience has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. I have come to realize, much to my disappointment, that the average person will let you down in a heartbeat. I don’t think that it is from some ingrained sense of malice. Most people just don’t fully consider the consequences or impact of their actions or inactions. Of course, I could be naïve and full of myself.
Anyway, I am not going to use this post to put people down or drag anyone through the mud. In fact, I am going to do the opposite. A few people have stuck by me through this extremely trying period in my life. They have given me encouragement and talked me down from the edge on a few occasions. I can say without shame or hyperbole that they have helped to save me from myself.
One friend in particular has taken the time to put me in a position where I can begin to reclaim some of my physical life. I can’t begin to describe how good it has felt to be able to do some things for myself without the help or permission of those around me. It’s like fresh, clean air to a man who was suffocating. Without reservation, anything that this person needs is theirs for the asking, up to and including burying bodies.
I hope that anyone who stumbles across my blog can find themselves a few really good friends that can help to pull them through hard time the way my friends have helped me.
The last few years have shown me what true friendship is. I have always tried to be the type friend that I wanted to have. I have tried to keep my word and provide unquestioning and unwavering support for those that I call my friends. I have prided myself on my honesty, loyalty, and dependability – all of the good, old-fashioned things that the average Boy Scout is told to believe.
Despite my efforts to display the character traits that I value, a lot of my efforts have gone unappreciated and without reciprocation. To be honest, a lot of people that I thought were friends have left me high and dry without any form of consideration or explanation. In addition, I don’t think that I have ever truly learned how to accept help in a way that is palatable to me or those offering help.
Much of my experience has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. I have come to realize, much to my disappointment, that the average person will let you down in a heartbeat. I don’t think that it is from some ingrained sense of malice. Most people just don’t fully consider the consequences or impact of their actions or inactions. Of course, I could be naïve and full of myself.
Anyway, I am not going to use this post to put people down or drag anyone through the mud. In fact, I am going to do the opposite. A few people have stuck by me through this extremely trying period in my life. They have given me encouragement and talked me down from the edge on a few occasions. I can say without shame or hyperbole that they have helped to save me from myself.
One friend in particular has taken the time to put me in a position where I can begin to reclaim some of my physical life. I can’t begin to describe how good it has felt to be able to do some things for myself without the help or permission of those around me. It’s like fresh, clean air to a man who was suffocating. Without reservation, anything that this person needs is theirs for the asking, up to and including burying bodies.
I hope that anyone who stumbles across my blog can find themselves a few really good friends that can help to pull them through hard time the way my friends have helped me.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Shifting Gears
Since I started this blog, I have been exposing my shortcomings and problems to the light of day in order to change and heal myself. I have put my thoughts and feelings on display so that I can take a more thorough look at what ails me. I have needed, for a long time, to take a closer, more honest look at what makes me tick and what ticks me off. I think that I have had some success and made some progress toward identifying where I have been going wrong or where I have mislead or misdirected myself.
While identifying problems and counterproductive situations is useful, identification is not enough. Identification doesn’t move me closer to solutions and better ways of doing things. So for a while, at least, I am going to shift gears to try and figure out how to better approach my life. If I am truly lucky, put in some real work, and remain vigilant, I may just come out the better for it.
The more I think back and reflect on what I have written and felt and what I have experienced, the more sure I am that solutions to many of the problems that I face are contained in the questions that I ask. That is not always the case. Yet more often than not, the question, especially how it is phrased, leads me to an answer; hopefully the best answer for me.
One of the most dominant recurring themes that I see in my experience is self sabotage, whether conscious or unconscious, on many different levels. A lot of that self sabotage is due to questioning myself too much. I think that most of that is due to my internal dialogue.
I spend a lot of time arguing with myself over how things should be. Sometimes, I convince myself that I am not worthy of certain forms of success or happiness. I tell myself that I am at fault when things go wrong (many times due to things beyond my control). I even go as far as bringing negative expectations and results into positive situations.
I have had to deal with the terrible effects of this dialogue for most of my life. My conflict and struggle with my internal dialogue creates situations that are much more complex and convoluted than they should be. I have often been left with chaos and disorder that could have and should have been avoided.
I think that my first, and perhaps most difficult, order of business to change the way that I deal with my internal dialogue. I will try to deal with it on the front end instead of after the fact. Maybe by dealing with it before it causes too much destruction, I can avoid some of the mess that I have been mired in for so long. You know the old saying: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
The reason that I know how potentially difficult this might be is because I know something about a lot of the behaviors that I pursue and how those behaviors reflect some of my essential nature. I am a thinker, I am known to get lost in my thoughts and to engage in the paralysis of analysis. I have even been accused of thinking too much, whatever that means. Most of what I consider my success is due to my ability to think and analyze. Frankly, I think that I am good at thinking. And maybe my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.
I have to spend some time and devote some effort to quieting or ignoring my inner dialogue, especially when it conflicts with my gut feelings. I think that it is like overhead or unnecessary action: it takes up space and makes me less effective and less efficient. I am not saying that I am going to stop thinking. Instead, I am going to spend less time and invest less energy on internally generated conflict. Hopefully, I can reclaim and redirect that energy toward something more useful, like being happy.
While identifying problems and counterproductive situations is useful, identification is not enough. Identification doesn’t move me closer to solutions and better ways of doing things. So for a while, at least, I am going to shift gears to try and figure out how to better approach my life. If I am truly lucky, put in some real work, and remain vigilant, I may just come out the better for it.
The more I think back and reflect on what I have written and felt and what I have experienced, the more sure I am that solutions to many of the problems that I face are contained in the questions that I ask. That is not always the case. Yet more often than not, the question, especially how it is phrased, leads me to an answer; hopefully the best answer for me.
One of the most dominant recurring themes that I see in my experience is self sabotage, whether conscious or unconscious, on many different levels. A lot of that self sabotage is due to questioning myself too much. I think that most of that is due to my internal dialogue.
I spend a lot of time arguing with myself over how things should be. Sometimes, I convince myself that I am not worthy of certain forms of success or happiness. I tell myself that I am at fault when things go wrong (many times due to things beyond my control). I even go as far as bringing negative expectations and results into positive situations.
I have had to deal with the terrible effects of this dialogue for most of my life. My conflict and struggle with my internal dialogue creates situations that are much more complex and convoluted than they should be. I have often been left with chaos and disorder that could have and should have been avoided.
I think that my first, and perhaps most difficult, order of business to change the way that I deal with my internal dialogue. I will try to deal with it on the front end instead of after the fact. Maybe by dealing with it before it causes too much destruction, I can avoid some of the mess that I have been mired in for so long. You know the old saying: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
The reason that I know how potentially difficult this might be is because I know something about a lot of the behaviors that I pursue and how those behaviors reflect some of my essential nature. I am a thinker, I am known to get lost in my thoughts and to engage in the paralysis of analysis. I have even been accused of thinking too much, whatever that means. Most of what I consider my success is due to my ability to think and analyze. Frankly, I think that I am good at thinking. And maybe my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness.
I have to spend some time and devote some effort to quieting or ignoring my inner dialogue, especially when it conflicts with my gut feelings. I think that it is like overhead or unnecessary action: it takes up space and makes me less effective and less efficient. I am not saying that I am going to stop thinking. Instead, I am going to spend less time and invest less energy on internally generated conflict. Hopefully, I can reclaim and redirect that energy toward something more useful, like being happy.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Why ask why?
Who, what, when, where, why, and how are the fundamental questions that I was taught are important to answer whenever addressing a problem or a situation. People who are concerned with getting the facts are supposed to use these questions. In most cases, they help me get to whatever goal I am pursuing providing that I am honest about wanting to reach that goal.
I recently discovered that I need to stop asking “Why?” so much. For me why is interesting, but it is also the source of a lot of frustration. I am constantly on a quest to gain metaphysical, intellectual, and practical meaning from my experiences. At some point, that is good. It helps me to appreciate my experiences and to gain insight into the world in which I live. A lot of the time, it is a counterproductive waste of time. I end up lost in the sauce contemplating things that have nothing to do with the actual experience that is going on around me. I miss out on the real value and beauty of a lot of my life.
I have found out that why is the least valuable of the fundamental questions. For me, it speaks to my curiosity and need to know, even when I don’t need to know. To borrow from one of my favorite writers, Christopher Hyatt, why becomes intellectual pornography for mental masturbation - masturbation with no payoff.
In my quest for answers, I sometimes end up giving too much weight and value to knowing why something happened or is the way it is. For example, no one questions why water is wet. It is just wet. Everyone knows and accepts this and moves on with their lives. This is the type of acceptance that I will be trying to practice on a more ongoing basis.
Asking why is not a bad thing. Little kids do it all of the time. My three year old daughter is constantly asking me why. She is doing it to build up her understanding of her world. She needs to be able to understand how to interact with her surroundings. I, on the other hand, ask why to gain an advantage over my surroundings and to apply judgment to situations and people. Maybe in some way I feel that I am in competition with someone or something and that I must gain knowledge to somehow subjugate my opponents. I still haven’t figured out what the point or payoff of this competition is.
Most of the time that I waste on trying to figure out why is simply time spent spouting conjecture. The meaning behind some thing or event or its raison d’être doesn’t change the fact that it is there and that I have to deal with it. For example, if there is a boulder blocking the path, knowing why it is there will not help you to get past it.
In summary, I am going to make an effort to not ask why so much. Instead I will dedicate more time, energy, and effort trying to figure out how I can be a better, more effective person.
I recently discovered that I need to stop asking “Why?” so much. For me why is interesting, but it is also the source of a lot of frustration. I am constantly on a quest to gain metaphysical, intellectual, and practical meaning from my experiences. At some point, that is good. It helps me to appreciate my experiences and to gain insight into the world in which I live. A lot of the time, it is a counterproductive waste of time. I end up lost in the sauce contemplating things that have nothing to do with the actual experience that is going on around me. I miss out on the real value and beauty of a lot of my life.
I have found out that why is the least valuable of the fundamental questions. For me, it speaks to my curiosity and need to know, even when I don’t need to know. To borrow from one of my favorite writers, Christopher Hyatt, why becomes intellectual pornography for mental masturbation - masturbation with no payoff.
In my quest for answers, I sometimes end up giving too much weight and value to knowing why something happened or is the way it is. For example, no one questions why water is wet. It is just wet. Everyone knows and accepts this and moves on with their lives. This is the type of acceptance that I will be trying to practice on a more ongoing basis.
Asking why is not a bad thing. Little kids do it all of the time. My three year old daughter is constantly asking me why. She is doing it to build up her understanding of her world. She needs to be able to understand how to interact with her surroundings. I, on the other hand, ask why to gain an advantage over my surroundings and to apply judgment to situations and people. Maybe in some way I feel that I am in competition with someone or something and that I must gain knowledge to somehow subjugate my opponents. I still haven’t figured out what the point or payoff of this competition is.
Most of the time that I waste on trying to figure out why is simply time spent spouting conjecture. The meaning behind some thing or event or its raison d’être doesn’t change the fact that it is there and that I have to deal with it. For example, if there is a boulder blocking the path, knowing why it is there will not help you to get past it.
In summary, I am going to make an effort to not ask why so much. Instead I will dedicate more time, energy, and effort trying to figure out how I can be a better, more effective person.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Spiritual Poverty
I think that I have finally come to the question and circumstance that is central to the conflict that I have been struggling with the last few years; or maybe for my whole life. I can best summarize it by asking why I have failed to live up to my own standards materially. Why are many of the people with whom I went to school doing at least OK when I can’t begin to find a sense of accomplishment that fits my expectations of myself?
It all started when I was trying to take it easy. The other day, I was hanging out with some friends that I had not seen in years. We were going to a cigar shop to smoke a couple of nice premium cigars and drink some Scotch. We were going to meet a few other people, catch up on old times, and maybe tell a lie or two.
One of my friends asked me what I had been going on with me. Ever the smart ass, I casually remarked, “Poverty.” And he came back by saying, “You’re not poor, just broke.”
It was a nice sentiment and I agreed with him at the time. The general concept behind his response is that poverty is a spiritual condition while being broke is temporary and easily corrected. I accepted this because the general sentiment, especially in these days and times, is to keep everything positive and moving toward better things. We both implicitly understood and I agreed with him and we went forward with our good times.
That whole exchange came back to me several times over the subsequent weeks. It has gotten me to think about the concept in another light. It is great that we were trying to be positive and that he was trying to make sure that my spirits were up. I am grateful that I have friends that would take the time to try to push me in a positive direction. I am glad that there are affirmations that can help put me on the right track.
There is something else about that short exchange that bothered me. It was pop psychology; it was shallow. (I am not calling my friend shallow.) Behind that benign and cheerful sentiment for me is the possibility of something that is malignant, subtle, and almost undetectable. The thought keeps coming to me that the calling myself broke instead of poor is a clever avoidance mechanism. It allows me to gloss over the reality that I am experiencing without fully being responsible for its existence. It allows me to ignore the possibility of a malignancy that metastasizes and harms the things within me that are valuable and necessary in my struggle to build a better me.
The thing that I am really trying to wrap my head around is what it really means to be spiritually poor. Does it mean that I have made myself unworthy of happiness and success? Is there something in my character or DNA that is keeping me from what I want? Maybe there is some personal demon that I must exorcise. I don’t know.
I do know that mantras and affirmations are not enough and that they may not be truly honest. They certainly don’t do anything concrete or immediate. I am broke and I continue to be broke. What does that say about what I am doing to improve my condition? I haven’t figured out whether I am doing something detrimental to my well being or whether I am subject to forces beyond my control or comprehension. Sometimes I think that random chance alone should have brought me a better life that the one I am experiencing now.
Not honestly examining whatever this thing is gives it an opportunity to spread. Exposing it to light will kill it and free me to make a quantum leap. I fully understand that the whole process involves seeing some things that may be extremely ugly within me. But, I value freedom too much to avoid looking into the ugliness that lies at the center of my internal conflict.
Saying that I am broke instead of poor puts me in the position to hope that this situation will pass of its own accord or through some type of confluence of advantageous events. This would be great, but it depends on hope; and hope is not a legitimate strategy. Somewhere in all of this is an idea that is beyond simplistic philosophizing and affirmations that is the key to unlocking the doors that will let me exit this phase of my life.
There is something fundamental in all of this I have been missing. And I know that the issue is not really the amount money that I have. Maybe it is allowing the idea of money control how I pursue my life. I need money to do things, but it should not serve as a gauge of who I am internally.
The more questions that I ask the more questions keep popping up. Am I failing at this aspect of my life (according to my own definitions) because of who I am or how hard I work? Am I failing because I have the wrong goals? Am I really failing? Would I really be pursuing the goals that I have placed in front of myself if it weren’t for monetary concerns? What would I do if there were no expectations or pressure? What do really expect or want? What do I need to prove and why can’t I be OK with just being me? Why am I continuously asking all of these questions?
Maybe it is purely internal or some aspect of my social conditioning. Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my ass. I don’t know, yet. Somehow, I have to identify what it is that I am holding onto and hiding from myself that is stopping my progress. I have to keep digging. I just hope that I have the courage and endurance to go far enough to get to the core of myself.
It all started when I was trying to take it easy. The other day, I was hanging out with some friends that I had not seen in years. We were going to a cigar shop to smoke a couple of nice premium cigars and drink some Scotch. We were going to meet a few other people, catch up on old times, and maybe tell a lie or two.
One of my friends asked me what I had been going on with me. Ever the smart ass, I casually remarked, “Poverty.” And he came back by saying, “You’re not poor, just broke.”
It was a nice sentiment and I agreed with him at the time. The general concept behind his response is that poverty is a spiritual condition while being broke is temporary and easily corrected. I accepted this because the general sentiment, especially in these days and times, is to keep everything positive and moving toward better things. We both implicitly understood and I agreed with him and we went forward with our good times.
That whole exchange came back to me several times over the subsequent weeks. It has gotten me to think about the concept in another light. It is great that we were trying to be positive and that he was trying to make sure that my spirits were up. I am grateful that I have friends that would take the time to try to push me in a positive direction. I am glad that there are affirmations that can help put me on the right track.
There is something else about that short exchange that bothered me. It was pop psychology; it was shallow. (I am not calling my friend shallow.) Behind that benign and cheerful sentiment for me is the possibility of something that is malignant, subtle, and almost undetectable. The thought keeps coming to me that the calling myself broke instead of poor is a clever avoidance mechanism. It allows me to gloss over the reality that I am experiencing without fully being responsible for its existence. It allows me to ignore the possibility of a malignancy that metastasizes and harms the things within me that are valuable and necessary in my struggle to build a better me.
The thing that I am really trying to wrap my head around is what it really means to be spiritually poor. Does it mean that I have made myself unworthy of happiness and success? Is there something in my character or DNA that is keeping me from what I want? Maybe there is some personal demon that I must exorcise. I don’t know.
I do know that mantras and affirmations are not enough and that they may not be truly honest. They certainly don’t do anything concrete or immediate. I am broke and I continue to be broke. What does that say about what I am doing to improve my condition? I haven’t figured out whether I am doing something detrimental to my well being or whether I am subject to forces beyond my control or comprehension. Sometimes I think that random chance alone should have brought me a better life that the one I am experiencing now.
Not honestly examining whatever this thing is gives it an opportunity to spread. Exposing it to light will kill it and free me to make a quantum leap. I fully understand that the whole process involves seeing some things that may be extremely ugly within me. But, I value freedom too much to avoid looking into the ugliness that lies at the center of my internal conflict.
Saying that I am broke instead of poor puts me in the position to hope that this situation will pass of its own accord or through some type of confluence of advantageous events. This would be great, but it depends on hope; and hope is not a legitimate strategy. Somewhere in all of this is an idea that is beyond simplistic philosophizing and affirmations that is the key to unlocking the doors that will let me exit this phase of my life.
There is something fundamental in all of this I have been missing. And I know that the issue is not really the amount money that I have. Maybe it is allowing the idea of money control how I pursue my life. I need money to do things, but it should not serve as a gauge of who I am internally.
The more questions that I ask the more questions keep popping up. Am I failing at this aspect of my life (according to my own definitions) because of who I am or how hard I work? Am I failing because I have the wrong goals? Am I really failing? Would I really be pursuing the goals that I have placed in front of myself if it weren’t for monetary concerns? What would I do if there were no expectations or pressure? What do really expect or want? What do I need to prove and why can’t I be OK with just being me? Why am I continuously asking all of these questions?
Maybe it is purely internal or some aspect of my social conditioning. Maybe I just need to pull my head out of my ass. I don’t know, yet. Somehow, I have to identify what it is that I am holding onto and hiding from myself that is stopping my progress. I have to keep digging. I just hope that I have the courage and endurance to go far enough to get to the core of myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
