The Test

Two weeks ago, my father had a stroke. It wasn’t his first. He has had two others. For some reason, I am having a hard time getting my mind right about this one. I haven’t been myself and I know that it shows.

I have friends that are having similar problems. Their parents are experiencing health problems or crises that they weren’t at all prepared to handle. This actually seems like a common theme with the people in my life. It is probably that time in our life cycles.

With the first stroke, he was very fortunate. He didn’t take his blood pressure medicine for about a year and it caught up to him. Once he got out of the hospital, he was fine. He was up and about like nothing happened. He got the message and began to take his medications again.

The second stroke hit him about seven weeks ago. He had been taking his medication but he was not exercising. The stroke made him weak. He initially had to use a walker to get around. He started getting physical therapy and was coming along well. The therapist told him that soon he wouldn’t need the walker at all.

This last one hit him hard. It was a recurrence of the stroke he had seven weeks ago. He has lost control of his right side. He can’t walk or move around well. He has a hard time turning over and has been confined to a bed. We had to send him to a nursing home for rehab.

I never wanted to have to do that for either of my parents. I don’t even like saying nursing home in relation to either of my parents. The thing is, it is the best thing that my siblings and I could do for him. And, thankfully, he has insurance to pay for it. The facility is equipped to help him and give him the speech, physical, and occupational therapy that he needs to get his functionality back. We are also going to seek some alternative therapies like acupuncture.

I know that this is the best thing for him. I don’t have the training or expertise to do for him what he needs done. I just can’t seem to be able to get my head around it on a very basic level. There are so many things that are pulling at me about what is happening to him. It is really messing with my focus and I am having trouble handling it in a constructive way.

I didn’t do this to him. Yet in a really weird way, I feel responsible. I am going to do everything that I can to help him to get his life back. That is not in question. Yet somehow I am taking this personally at a level that is not at all good for me. I can’t figure out why.

Maybe I see a future possibility. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. Fortunately, I haven’t developed weight related problems. I have begun to take more steps toward controlling it and have found some success. I need to do more. At the same time, I know that I need to be patient with the process.

Maybe I feel guilty because I can’t do more. I don’t have a magic wand to wave over everything and make this all go away. I can’t stroke a check and get a private, highly trained staff to pamper him. He has everything that he needs to recover and I know that his recovery is up to him. Still, I feel like I haven’t done anything.

I know that part of what bothers me about this situation is that I don’t like seeing him helpless. I don’t know of any son that wasn’t abused or abandoned that wants to see his father in a situation like this. I know that my dad is not in pain, but he is suffering mentally because he feels confined. That is not something that I can work out for him.

Somewhere in all of this, there are a couple of tests. For my father, his will and resolve to recover are going to be tested over the next few weeks and months. He has to do the work and bring himself back.

For me it is a different test. I know that I have to leave here soon to move forward. I can’t let how I feel about this situation stop me from doing what I have to do. And to be honest, my dad doesn’t want me to stop. We talked a in the emergency room about me moving forward with the plans that I have been developing for myself. I know that if I don’t move forward now, I may not ever move forward. So I have to bring forward my own will and resolve to realize my goals without hurting myself with false guilt over abandoning my dad during his trials.