Playing Grown Up

According to the enlightened laws of the land, I became a man at 18 years old. I probably started acting like a man at 16. I didn’t realize that I was a man until I was 28. I was functioning as a man and carrying responsibility as a man. I just never identified myself as a man in any formal way.

Like most men in this society, I never had any formal ceremony or recognition that declared me a man according to tradition. I was never informed of what my role was to be in society or what society’s expectations were of me. Like most men and boys, I stumbled around blindly trying to find my way; determining what I should be and how I should handle myself. Sometimes I was overbearing and domineering, sometimes I was too aloof and standoffish. Mostly, I tried to be true to the examples that were set by the men who were around me as I grew up.

It took a woman to make me realize what I had become and what I was becoming. The physical balance and symbolic balance that she represented were important and were what fully caught my attention. I was out at dinner with a good friend and really enjoying her company. We got into a conversation about relationships and how people act In their relationships. It’s really hard to remember the tenor of it. She told me that she really didn’t have to push me toward some type of understanding because I was a man.

It made me feel good that she said that. I didn’t go into a mode where I wanted to beat on my chest or grunt like some caveman. I just felt like after all of my struggles that I had done something right. I can’t express it any better than that. The effect that it had on me was that I began to more readily internalize and act on the things that I thought were important in my life. It also made me more cognizant of the fact that everything that I do is observed and judged, whether I want it to be or not, whether I care or not.

I have a hard time understanding people’s perceptions of me. I don’t always understand the effects of my words or actions. I try not to hurt people, but I find that I occasionally grate people the wrong way because of the way that I express myself. In this case, it was good to get direct and positive feedback about me from someone that I respect. Maybe I was actually making some personal progress.

I am coming to a sense of peace and balance about who I am. I have also come to recognize that manhood is an ongoing process that requires wisdom, restraint, and strength. It also requires a sense of personal responsibility, consistency, and honor that is not talked about enough. (Or, I might just be a little too old school for my own good.) To be honest, I am still figuring it out.