Leaving the Nest

I have got to get the hell out of here. Really. I have to change my surroundings and circumstances and the immediate circle of friends that I hang out with. That is not saying that my friends here are bad. I just need to change everything that I am doing right now. I have to start exploring my vision of the world and the life that I want to lead. And that starts with leaving here.

I have left here a few times. I left to go to school in California. After I graduated, I came back here for about nine months and moved back to California. I came back about a year and a half later. I left to go to grad school in New Orleans. I even went overseas – halfway around the world - as part of that level of education. And I came back.

Since I have been back, everything has been stagnant. The only good thing that I have gotten in the last few years is my daughter. Otherwise, I have not found an outlet for myself or achieved any type of success or made what I consider to be progress. So I figure that I need to take my act on the road. I need to try it all someplace else.

Everything that I was concentrating on doing here was focused on domestication or on someone else’s version of what I should become. None of it was about me or my happiness. It was all just about fitting in to everyone else’s expectations. None of it spoke to me about joy or accomplishment or adventure. None of it allowed me to truly be who I am. I should be the wolf, not the sheep. I should be a lion, not a housecat.

The real key to me finding what I need is to commit to not coming back, at least for a long time. I have to be like Cortez and burn my ships on the beach. I will visit occasionally. I have to see my little girl. Other than that, I need to stay away. Phone calls and e-mails will have to be enough for right now. I have to leave the nest as soon as I can and fly away as fast as I can.

To that end I spent a part of the morning looking at airfares to where I need to at least start my journey. The prices are really reasonable. I will find the money somewhere soon. I have someplace to stay when I get there. I have an agenda to achieve when I arrive. I won’t be floundering or just becoming stuck in another place.

It’s funny. My brain and my instincts seem to work much better when I go somewhere else. I learn the lay of the land quickly and find good people to be around and good things to do. I can trace most of the truly important growth and maturity that I have experienced to living somewhere other than here. I also realize now that I have had no true personal vision for my life; I could find no great mission or quest upon which to embark. That may be the thing that I need more than anything.

This time around, I don’t have any regrets or reservations about leaving. I don’t think that there is anything here for me anymore. Not that this is a bad place, it’s just doesn’t fit me. And it’s worn out; or I am worn out. I’m not sure which or if it really matters which. I finally feel like I can go forward for me without guilt or false responsibility for others. I feel like I can become the man that I need to be for me.