Redefining My Happiness

One of my favorite movies of all time is Superfly, the classic story of a cocaine hustler that is trying to get out of the drug game. My love of this movie has nothing to do with the time period, the outrageous clothes, that it is a Black action movie (I am getting away from the term “Blaxploitation.”), or the fact that in the end Priest sticks it to the man. What I love about this film is that, despite its trappings, it is about profound transformation. Or at least, that’s what I take from it.

There are three scenes in the movie where the main character Priest goes into his motivations. For any one who hasn’t seen the movie or hasn’t seen it in a long time, here are what I consider to be the pivotal scenes in the movie. First, Priest talks about his thoughts with his partner in the business Eddie. He tells Eddie that he wants to get out. Eddie runs down the list of material goods that he has accumulated and the fact that he can snort coke any time he wants. Priest tells Eddie that he wants to get out of the game before he has to kill someone or before someone kills him. Initially, I would assume that it was because Priest was mugged by some junkies. (For those that have seen the movie, he talks to his mentor Scatter about getting out, but not about why.)

The second time that he discusses his motivations is when he is walking in the park with his main girl Georgia. He tells her that he has to get out of the game because he needs to buy himself some time that is “not all fucked up with things... .” He needs to be free and happy and that he has never really experienced that feeling. The last time he really delves into his desire to get out of his lifestyle is with his other girlfriend. He tells her that he thought that his life would be complete because he had the car and the clothes that he wanted and even a taboo relationship with a white woman. He goes on to say that he doesn’t know why, but he has to change the way that he lives.

I don’t know how many times that I have watched that movie. I know that each time that I get to these scenes I find that I can relate to what Priest is talking about. I don’t have the level of material goods that Priest had relative to today. Yet, I know the importance of what he was saying and why he was saying it.

When I had some money in my pockets, things were OK. However, I found myself not doing the things that I said that I was going to do for myself. I didn’t buy the things or pursue the projects that I knew would make my life more complete. And when I bought things that would have pushed me toward my goals, I didn’t use them for their intended purpose. I have a library full of esoteric and rare books that focus directly on my passion for historical research and I still haven’t read any of them. I have a bunch of instructional books on music and I haven’t sat down to work through them.

Somehow, I became this other self that was ego driven, that focused on material accumulation and comfort, and that reveled being middle class with disposable income. While having things isn’t bad, all of that accumulation really didn’t enhance who I was or who I am on any level. I now find myself weighed down with things and desires but no space for those things and desires. I need to shed those things and desires and move on to something else that is bigger in scope and, at the same time, lighter and smaller. I really don’t know how else to describe it.

I have made the excuse many times that life has gotten in the way of my dreams. That is really a big, empty lie. I didn’t make time for my life, my real life. I found time to accomplish a lot of work related goals at speeds that frightened my bosses and co-workers. I just didn’t make the time to do me. I find that all of the complication and BS that I have allowed to rule me don’t mean anything anymore. Doing me is what is important.

Like Priest, I want to get out of the game. My game happens to be the great American rat race. I want to do it the right way, like Priest did it. I want to have enough put away and a good enough plan so that I don’t have to get back into the game at this same level to survive. Nobody in this is stupid. I need money and resources to pursue my goals. At the same time, I know that I can’t use the pursuit of money as an end in and of itself when peace and real happiness are what I want.

On a deeper level and implicitly stated was the idea that Priest had to engage in a basic redefinition of what happiness means to him. I know that I have to do the same. For Priest, happiness meant not being tied into a potentially deadly lifestyle and having the power to choose his direction in life. My happiness is about not being enslaved by someone else’s ideas of what my life and aspirations should be. It is also about doing the things that bring me a sense of fulfillment.

Redefinition doesn’t mean living in a luxury condo or driving that elegant and expensive car, although having those things would be nice. It means finding passion, purpose, and a goal that doesn’t have a dollar sign in front of it. It means that freedom, not money, is the objective, and that money is one of the tools that can be used to achieve freedom. I also know that there are no guarantees, and I am cool with that.