Expecting the Worst

I wrote an entry about a month ago called “Letting Go of Expectation.” I think that this is part two of that entry. “Somehow”, I think that I have moved a little closer to another of the underlying reasons why I am not living the life that I desire. And, it’s another case of me doing it to myself.

There is an old cliché that says, “Expect the best; prepare for the worst.” Somewhere I got it twisted, extremely twisted. I have been expecting the worst and in some cases making sure that the worst arrives. And it shows in how I have been approaching many of the things that I have experienced in life. I could make the excuse that I have been conditioned into that type of thinking because so many of the things that I have experienced have been so negative. That is really just an excuse. The real problem has been my attitude toward my experiences.

Growing up, a lot of the things that I experienced started off in a very positive way and ended up being extremely negative. I was not abused or the victim of a horrible accident. I just kept experiencing things that promised to be great and never fulfilled that promise. I always tended to get the short end of the stick in my endeavors, or at least that is how I perceived it. Whether I had an opportunity to participate in something, to go somewhere, or to just find some enjoyment, things always seemed to go awry. Sometimes the issue was money, sometimes it was time constraint, and sometimes it was being dependent on people who just didn’t care what I wanted or needed.

Whatever the cause, my perception of disappointment started to grind on me and wear me down. I think that because I experienced a lot of disappointment at an early age, I began to think that should be what I should always expect. And so my expectation became mostly negative. After a while, I think that I lost the ability to see the glass as half full. I saw the negative and ignored the positive. Truth be known, the positive usually outweighed the negative.

Negative expectations transitioned into self-fulfilling prophecies. Consequently, I have been continuously cycling myself back through those types of situations because I couldn’t see that I was the source of those feelings. Nothing was right or good enough. Disappointment and frustration became constants in my life. In short, I had written a loser script for myself. And, I seemed fully intent on acting it forever.

I have continuously put myself into bad situations that didn’t have to be bad. I have been aggressive and combative in situations that weren’t meant to be at all contentious or conflict driven. On some occasions, I sought out conflict and I don’t know why. I have gone so far as to make up situations in my head and get emotionally upset about the fantasized outcomes. Usually these situations never came about or, if they did, the outcomes were never as bad as I had imagined them to be. I don’t know what I wanted to prove. I have no idea what I accomplished through the unnecessary expenditure of energy. I can’t explain it; I don’t want to try.

As I have been working on myself, I have begun to take the time out to observe myself and take stock of my reactions and motivations. I can honestly say that I have been totally full of shit. There is no better way to say it. A lot of the situations that I have put myself in should have been much better. I realize that I should have looked for the positive. I should have just waited without expectation or judgment and reacted positively and in my own best interests.

Anyway, I have decided not to beat myself up over the past and my bad judgment. Now that I know what I have been doing to myself, I can avoid the trap and find something else to do with my time and energy. I figure that if I am going to make mistakes (all part of being human), at least they should be new mistakes.