Gratitude

Lately, I have been struggling conceptually and practically with the concept of gratitude. More specifically, I have been trying to figure out how and if I should express a sense of gratitude for the things that I have been experiencing. In fact, I am really trying to figure out what gratitude really means to me. Is it a fawning and gushy expression or is it a cognizance, acknowledgment, and expression of awareness of what is really important to me?

For the last ten years, I have been through a roller coaster ride of build-up and disappointment. I have accomplished some things that I never thought were possible and hit some lows that made me want to nuke the entire East Coast. Most of this phase of my journey through life has been dominated by lows. I have had the rug pulled out from under me by a lot of different people. And I have been told, “That’s life” by the people who have watched me fall. Some of those that have watched me fall have also shown themselves to be petty agitators by trying to kick me in the jewels while I am down. I know that they think that they have the upper hand, but I know that the only reason that they can even hope to reach me at this point is because I am down.

I have come to the conclusion that I will let the petty be petty and go about my business. Once I have reached my goals and am living as I desire to live, I will observe their reactions and attitudes. Once I am tired of laughing at them and pitying them, I will cease to care. That is if I even have time to engage in that type of behavior. Living well will be the best revenge.

Putting pettiness and its purveyors aside, I find that my problem is trying to get past the hurt of the circumstances that I face. I can easily deal with people through whatever means are necessary to deal with them. Circumstances, however, can not be dealt with through rational or irrational argument, through reason or threat of violence, or through some type of blackmail or bribe. Circumstance must be dealt with and worked through. It has no desire or emotion to which one can appeal. It simply is.

Now, I am not going to act as if my life has been the most difficult or painful experience that any human has experienced - far from it. I live in America. I have been able to gain a top-flight education, and have had the benefit of having great people around me who have shown me love and care. I wouldn’t dare compare myself to anyone living in a country or region that is being torn asunder by war, pestilence, famine, disease, or neo-colonialist destabilization. Those are problems far more dire and important that anything that I could sit up and bitch about.

Still, I find it hard to feel grateful when I am getting steam-rolled by circumstances beyond my control and when my efforts have no tangible impact on my well-being. When I find myself behind the proverbial eight ball, it’s hard for me to step back and look at the bigger picture and put my life in a real perspective. I feel like I am in a fight and that I am really getting my ass handed to me.

I realize that I have been affected by the American dream in many of the wrong ways. America is a very consumer-oriented culture. All of the advertising and de facto social stratification pushes everyone, even skeptics like me, to compare themselves with others. I find myself being worried by what I don’t have and not cognizant enough of what I do have. I don’t want to keep up with or pass the Joneses, but I do want the option to shop at the same stores that they go to without having to check my bank balance or save up for six months.

Despite my misgivings and short-sightedness, I know that my life is actually relatively good. My basic necessities are covered. I live safely in a house, I eat every day. I can take a shower and brush my teeth to take care of my hygiene. My clothes and shoes are clean and free of holes. I know who truly loves me. I have a great music collection that I can take everywhere I go on an MP3 player. My mind is intact and fully functional. Despite all of my past injuries and trips to the emergency room, I am fairly healthy and all of my limbs and organs are working well. I can watch television when I want. And, best of all, I have the most beautiful daughter that a man could hope to have, bar none.

These things all mean much more to me than whether I can afford a custom made Armani suit or whether I can drive that M5 that I have had my eye on. I will eventually get the house and lifestyle that I want. It’s just hard for me to remember all of that when my movement and options seem to be so limited and I am so dependent on others to do things for me. It’s hard to be patient and work through the challenges that life puts before me.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what I will feel when tomorrow comes. I do know, however, what I am thinking and feeling today. I am thankful that I have what is really important to me and that I have the opportunity to express and remember those things. I hope that I can remember them tomorrow.