Better Than Terrific

Contrary to the heavy tone of a lot of what I have written, I am determined to build a life that is better than terrific. I want all of the gusto and jubilation and adventure that I can squeeze out of my life. I have been using this process of introspection to clear out all of the crap that I have been lugging around with me like Samsonite for years. The crap that I have to eliminate includes outmoded and outdated models which I have used to define how I deal with the world around me. And believe me, there are a lot of those old models.

I have been trying to get rid of old coping mechanisms and justifications that either don’t work or are unnecessary. I have found that a lot of the things that have I used to unconsciously hold myself back don’t register a blip on most people’s radar. They don’t matter and don’t manifest anywhere. Even if they do manifest, their reality is nowhere near as bad or as frightening as I have built them up to be in my mind. It’s like a total self mind-fuck. (I am my own worst enemy.)

I have figured out that I have been accepting other people’s definitions without considering their purpose, meaning, orientation, or origin. For example, what is “family values?” To whose family does it refer? What are those values? Why should it refer to me? Why does this person presume the right to speak or think for me? In other words someone has taken over the dialogue and filled it with a lot of bullshit without taking responsibility or establishing legitimacy? And, I am at fault for accepting these definitions.

Deeper still, I have spent a lot of time filling in the blanks in situations. I have made assumptions and drawn conclusions about things and situations that didn’t need those conclusions. I have taken responsibility for things that I shouldn’t be in any way involved. I have wasted a lot of energy taking part in things that have nothing to do with me. I accepted old formulas and practices that I can clearly see don’t work. (Here’s one. Got to school, get a good job, and work toward retirement. Does that work anymore? Let’s ask Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and Gurbaksh Chahal.) I have assumed that certain functions and descriptions are inviolate and unchanging; despite the fact that no one actually told me or showed me that they were so. In sum, I have spent a lot of time tying myself in knots for no real reason. Mea culpa. I did it to myself. I bought the BS that was being sold. Now, I’m done with it. I take responsibility for it and I release it.

I really thought that I was a pragmatist and that I had everything under control. But, I have discovered how many hang ups I have allowed to fester and to slow me down. I think that I am getting past that now, getting to the real me. And, hopefully, I have exposed enough of myself to light and fresh air that I can begin to truly move forward toward a better life and outlook. I feel better about the possibilities and I feel comfortable with redefining my happiness – giving myself permission to consciously decide what is important to me and what makes sense for me to pursue. I can work more in my best interest. I can remake myself in my own image. I can be all that I can be. (Bad joke)

I have spent a lot of time desiring and planning for a better life. I know the kinds of things that I want to do and experience. I know how I want to affect those around me. I think that the ultimate self imposed barrier has been my inability to let go of my expectations and to take the leap into the unknown. More accurately, I think that I have been unable to let go of my current life and the paradigm that came with it – the desire for control and the thought that I can make this new life fit the pattern of my current life. Now, I know that I can’t control the shape of my new life and I shouldn’t try. It won’t fit my old patterns pattern. Its newness, by definition, makes that fit impossible.

I can’t have the new and better without giving up the old and worn out. Even though it is really comfortable and I know it well, it is raggedy and full of holes. It’s torn up and doesn’t fit anymore. It’s too small (hopefully, because I am growing). I have to throw the old one away, put on the new one, and be confident that it will fit.