Fighting with Myself

As I spend more and more time trying to figure myself out, I find that I am in conflict. The things that I have been taught do not correspond to the ways that I experience the world. I keep running into people and situations that are at odds with the way that I want things to be. I keep finding contradictions and hypocrisy and all kinds of objectionable behavior in the people around me. I keep finding situations that are illogical and strangely meaningless.

The most logical observation about how I am dealing with my life is that the world isn’t confused, I am. I am fighting against something that no one else sees or is aware. No one else has the same set of conflicts or objections to how life is treating them. They are not aware of my struggle. They don’t have problems with all of the things that I can’t stand. The favorable things and situations that I want haven’t manifested, even with intense effort and concentration. I must not be fighting against the world. I must be fighting against myself. It makes me feel crazy and alone and stuck.

Things just don’t fit. I am continuously trying to fit a square peg into a round whole because someone told me that it would eventually fit. Despite the fact that I keep trying and failing, I don’t stop trying even though the results are the same. (Isn’t that the definition of insanity?) I think that I am ready to stop the insanity and try something else.

R. A. Wilson called the condition that I am experiencing “Chapel Perilous.” It is a state in which all of the ways that you model the world and try to make sense of everything become broken. The world turns upside down, fractures, and leaves you confused. I have been experiencing this for the last few years. No one, especially me, has any real answers as to why I feel this way. Wilson’s own journey through this state led him to all types of weird experiences including conversations with a six foot tall talking rabbit called the Pookah. These manifestations and other things led him back to a better, funnier, more pleasant and productive state of being.

I don’t think that I will see any big rabbits any time soon. I will, however, be moving toward a better self concept. Key to all of this is to stop beating up on myself. Once I do that, I will be able to reshape and reconstruct my sense of wholeness and my life will improve. As I replace these broken and useless models with bigger, more accurate, more effective models, I will move out of this funk into a world-view that finally makes sense.

I think that all of this reformation will have the effect that I will be forced to act more positively on my own behalf. I will have to deal with everything with greater integrity and care. I will have to raise my standards and perform to those standards. Also, I think that I will have to think bigger, much bigger. I have finally begun to consider that what I must do and the man that I need to be have to work on a much larger scale and in a larger scope. My lack of progress in my present state must be a by-product of trying to exist at the wrong level. This internal confusion must be my way of preventing any potential complacency and stagnation that could come from just settling. Ultimately, I have no choice but to live out my dreams and have an incredible life.