Better Than Terrific

Contrary to the heavy tone of a lot of what I have written, I am determined to build a life that is better than terrific. I want all of the gusto and jubilation and adventure that I can squeeze out of my life. I have been using this process of introspection to clear out all of the crap that I have been lugging around with me like Samsonite for years. The crap that I have to eliminate includes outmoded and outdated models which I have used to define how I deal with the world around me. And believe me, there are a lot of those old models.

I have been trying to get rid of old coping mechanisms and justifications that either don’t work or are unnecessary. I have found that a lot of the things that have I used to unconsciously hold myself back don’t register a blip on most people’s radar. They don’t matter and don’t manifest anywhere. Even if they do manifest, their reality is nowhere near as bad or as frightening as I have built them up to be in my mind. It’s like a total self mind-fuck. (I am my own worst enemy.)

I have figured out that I have been accepting other people’s definitions without considering their purpose, meaning, orientation, or origin. For example, what is “family values?” To whose family does it refer? What are those values? Why should it refer to me? Why does this person presume the right to speak or think for me? In other words someone has taken over the dialogue and filled it with a lot of bullshit without taking responsibility or establishing legitimacy? And, I am at fault for accepting these definitions.

Deeper still, I have spent a lot of time filling in the blanks in situations. I have made assumptions and drawn conclusions about things and situations that didn’t need those conclusions. I have taken responsibility for things that I shouldn’t be in any way involved. I have wasted a lot of energy taking part in things that have nothing to do with me. I accepted old formulas and practices that I can clearly see don’t work. (Here’s one. Got to school, get a good job, and work toward retirement. Does that work anymore? Let’s ask Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and Gurbaksh Chahal.) I have assumed that certain functions and descriptions are inviolate and unchanging; despite the fact that no one actually told me or showed me that they were so. In sum, I have spent a lot of time tying myself in knots for no real reason. Mea culpa. I did it to myself. I bought the BS that was being sold. Now, I’m done with it. I take responsibility for it and I release it.

I really thought that I was a pragmatist and that I had everything under control. But, I have discovered how many hang ups I have allowed to fester and to slow me down. I think that I am getting past that now, getting to the real me. And, hopefully, I have exposed enough of myself to light and fresh air that I can begin to truly move forward toward a better life and outlook. I feel better about the possibilities and I feel comfortable with redefining my happiness – giving myself permission to consciously decide what is important to me and what makes sense for me to pursue. I can work more in my best interest. I can remake myself in my own image. I can be all that I can be. (Bad joke)

I have spent a lot of time desiring and planning for a better life. I know the kinds of things that I want to do and experience. I know how I want to affect those around me. I think that the ultimate self imposed barrier has been my inability to let go of my expectations and to take the leap into the unknown. More accurately, I think that I have been unable to let go of my current life and the paradigm that came with it – the desire for control and the thought that I can make this new life fit the pattern of my current life. Now, I know that I can’t control the shape of my new life and I shouldn’t try. It won’t fit my old patterns pattern. Its newness, by definition, makes that fit impossible.

I can’t have the new and better without giving up the old and worn out. Even though it is really comfortable and I know it well, it is raggedy and full of holes. It’s torn up and doesn’t fit anymore. It’s too small (hopefully, because I am growing). I have to throw the old one away, put on the new one, and be confident that it will fit.

Smart Ass

I have been told by a lot of people that I am smart. I have old standardized test scores, report cards, and a few diplomas to attest to my supposed intelligence. Still, there are many days where I feel downright stupid. And then I look out at the world and find that there are a lot of people that are being classified as dumb. The more that I look at those people, the more intelligent that I realize that they are.

I was shown explicitly and implicitly as I was growing up that intelligent people were the ones that were doing well in school. They were getting good grades and being smiled upon by teachers and other authority figures. So I was always among those considered smart, oftentimes looked upon as the best. I made great grades and got accepted into world class schools and went to one of those top schools.

I have earned a Bachelor’s and a Masters degree from highly ranked universities. I have studied abroad. I have also gained a few advanced computer certifications. Yet, I look around me and I find that there are many people who did not finish even high school who are leaps and bounds ahead of me on all fronts. On paper, these are people who should not be able to carry my intellectual jock strap.

As I looked around, I figured out once I left my undergraduate experience that I had been playing a convincing, convoluted, and unrealistic game. It was a system of control and indoctrination. I really wasn’t prepared to understand and tackle the real challenges that life had presented me. The game that I was conditioning myself to play was one of strict meritocracy. If I did the work, I would be rewarded with opportunity and privilege. If I didn’t, I would fall by the wayside.

As I got into the real world, I found that a great deal of what I had been preparing myself to do didn’t exist. I found out that those to whom I had entrusted myself really didn’t know the system outside of their educational domain and had never really competed in the real world. I discovered the subjective meritocracy of education did not have an analog in the real world. Sure, I might be one of the more intelligent people in the room, but that didn’t count for anything in a corporate power structure. There was no guarantee that raw intelligence would help me get ahead. Instead, it became an impediment because I showed too many people too quickly that I mentally outclassed them.

I definitely held myself back by not using my intelligence in more pragmatic ways. It has taken me a long time to just answer questions as they are asked and not go overboard with information and opinions. People don’t want to be overwhelmed with my brilliance, they just want what they came to get. Even more, it has taken me a long time to stop being caught up in what I assumed were my impressive credentials. Those credentials only go so far. They may get you noticed and considered, but they won’t win any battles for you. And, I have drawn the conclusion that, in most situations, the concept of meritocracy is a fantasy.

What I am discovering about people that are experiencing success is that they work in a very efficient and self contained manner. They focus and don’t spread themselves too thin. They maximize their talents and work within themselves. I have never seen a star pro running back trying to have a deep discussion about the implications of string theory and quantum mechanics. I don’t recall hearing of any prima ballerina discussing multi-variable regression analysis as a predictive measure of commodities futures. And I really have never heard of Paris Hilton discussing anything of importance.

I am not saying that no one mentioned is capable of high brow, intellectual discourse. They refrain from it because it is not their thing. Instead, they work within their capabilities and excel within their chosen fields. They dedicate themselves and reap great rewards. They know who they are, accept that the outside world perceives them in a certain light, and they are OK with that.

Nobody in school ever told me to take that approach. And they definitely never told me to try to keep things as simple as possible about anything and everything. Instead, they told me to excel at everything and to learn as much as possible. That, of course, was followed by the standard go to school, work hard, and get a good job. None of my teachers seemed to realize the plain truth. Many of the greatest success stories in the world today didn’t finish school, mostly because they recognized that that type of formalized education had nothing to offer them. Also, none of them got jobs.

I don’t know why it has taken me this long to realize this. Maybe that is the real function of this system of formal education, to condition away independent and original thought. Somebody told me once that in college, you trade your common sense away for a diploma. I’ve done it twice already and may go back again. Or maybe I have just not understood the inherent opportunities and possibilities of being at those institutions. Maybe, I have submitted to limitation unconsciously.

As far as Paris Hilton is concerned, I think that our reactions to her apparent vacuous nature are simply our coping mechanisms kicking in. I don’t think that our society can handle her success. She may not be all that bright, but she was smart enough to surround herself with people who are bright. She gets paid to go to parties that she would probably attend anyway. She has several lines of perfume that are selling well. She has been paid to appear on television and in movies. She even got a record deal. All told, she is able to maintain her lifestyle and has probably makes more money in a year than the average person can ever dream of having in a lifetime without winning the lottery.

I have to ask myself: if I am so smart, why am I struggling so hard and making so little progress?

Fighting with Myself

As I spend more and more time trying to figure myself out, I find that I am in conflict. The things that I have been taught do not correspond to the ways that I experience the world. I keep running into people and situations that are at odds with the way that I want things to be. I keep finding contradictions and hypocrisy and all kinds of objectionable behavior in the people around me. I keep finding situations that are illogical and strangely meaningless.

The most logical observation about how I am dealing with my life is that the world isn’t confused, I am. I am fighting against something that no one else sees or is aware. No one else has the same set of conflicts or objections to how life is treating them. They are not aware of my struggle. They don’t have problems with all of the things that I can’t stand. The favorable things and situations that I want haven’t manifested, even with intense effort and concentration. I must not be fighting against the world. I must be fighting against myself. It makes me feel crazy and alone and stuck.

Things just don’t fit. I am continuously trying to fit a square peg into a round whole because someone told me that it would eventually fit. Despite the fact that I keep trying and failing, I don’t stop trying even though the results are the same. (Isn’t that the definition of insanity?) I think that I am ready to stop the insanity and try something else.

R. A. Wilson called the condition that I am experiencing “Chapel Perilous.” It is a state in which all of the ways that you model the world and try to make sense of everything become broken. The world turns upside down, fractures, and leaves you confused. I have been experiencing this for the last few years. No one, especially me, has any real answers as to why I feel this way. Wilson’s own journey through this state led him to all types of weird experiences including conversations with a six foot tall talking rabbit called the Pookah. These manifestations and other things led him back to a better, funnier, more pleasant and productive state of being.

I don’t think that I will see any big rabbits any time soon. I will, however, be moving toward a better self concept. Key to all of this is to stop beating up on myself. Once I do that, I will be able to reshape and reconstruct my sense of wholeness and my life will improve. As I replace these broken and useless models with bigger, more accurate, more effective models, I will move out of this funk into a world-view that finally makes sense.

I think that all of this reformation will have the effect that I will be forced to act more positively on my own behalf. I will have to deal with everything with greater integrity and care. I will have to raise my standards and perform to those standards. Also, I think that I will have to think bigger, much bigger. I have finally begun to consider that what I must do and the man that I need to be have to work on a much larger scale and in a larger scope. My lack of progress in my present state must be a by-product of trying to exist at the wrong level. This internal confusion must be my way of preventing any potential complacency and stagnation that could come from just settling. Ultimately, I have no choice but to live out my dreams and have an incredible life.

Am I asking the right questions?

I have been examining some of the fundamental aspects of my life and have been trying to go past the surface issues to get to the core of what ails me. The more I search my inner being and try to figure out the “truth” of my existence, the more I keep running around in circles. I can summarize the way I feel by saying that I feel like a man with one foot nailed to the floor. No matter how hard or fast that man runs, he can do nothing but run in circles. To change, the man either has to nail down the other foot or pull out the original nail. Since I don’t want to be stuck, I want to pull out the first nail.

The problem for me is that I keep running into my own contradictions, hypocrisy, and conundrums. I feel at odds with myself. The definitions that help me frame my world really don’t make sense any more. I keep trying to ask questions in different ways. I keep getting the same answers and they are all wrong. Or at least I don’t like how they sound.

I am moving more and more to the point where I think that all of my assumptions are wrong. Somehow, what I was taught in school, what I learned on jobs, and what I observed and learned in relationships just doesn’t fit how I experience the world. I have begun to feel like I have wasted a lot of my life on pursuing dreams and things that really don’t mean a whole hell of a lot. In short, I think that maybe I have been looking at my life from the wrong angle.

I read a book a couple of years ago called 4-Hour Work Week by a guy named Tim Ferriss. This book was chock full of nuggets of wisdom and real strategies to cut down on the clutter in your life. The best thing that he said in the book was that most people are making a mistake in how they pursue their goals. He said that everyone always asked, “What do you want to do with your life?” To me, that question is too final and limiting. It gives me the impression that this is all that I will be allowed to do forever.

Ferriss said that instead we should asking, “What makes you excited?” To me, that question is much more open ended. It allows for growth and change and redefinition. I can change my mind and my direction without having to justify myself to the outside world. I can more easily feel that I not locked in to a set of decisions because of some form of expectation. Life becomes more interesting because an element of passion is introduced that was carefully destroyed by formal education, economic necessity, and family expectation.

After remembering all of this, I began to think some deep thoughts about how else I had trapped myself. Can I ask myself these big life questions in better ways? Do I have to be locked into any certain path to find happiness and success? Can I reframe the way I approach things? Am I on the right path? If I am on the wrong path, how much time and energy have I wasted? Am I asking the right questions? Should I even be asking questions? If I don't ask questions, what should I do instead? (And the cycle continues.)

Ill Communication

I have had to backtrack for the last few days to consider what is really going on in my life. I have had to consider the deeper issues and problems that lurk beneath the surface of what is apparent. There seems to be real patterns emerging from what I have been contemplating. One of those problems concerns my communication skills. I have faced problems in how I express myself and how, if at all, I am understood.
The more I talk to people, the more I realize that I speak my own language and, to varying degrees of success, I have to translate that to everyone else with whom I am trying to communicate. I think that I have consistently made the mistake of not establishing a baseline of meaning and a common vocabulary. Also, I find myself speaking over people’s heads or in conceptual terms to which many people can’t relate.

I have previously experienced this type of problem; I just didn’t consider it problematic. I use words that I think describe a situation – words that are accurate, concise, and that appear on many standardized aptitude tests. They precisely fit the circumstance. And, when I use them, I get a bunch of blank looks. At one point, I thought that, even though I started ahead of the curve, that everyone would catch up.

That never happened. It probably never will. That doesn’t say that everyone that I deal with is dumb. Instead, it says that I am not gauging my method of communication correctly. I stay locked up in my head and don’t venture out far enough to establish a real connection and real communication. I didn’t fully realized that while the language that I speak sounds and is written like everyone else’s language, it does not always have the same meaning attached to the words that everyone uses.

I throw around words all day that mean one thing to me. Those same words may take on a completely different meaning when someone else uses them in the same context. Sometimes, I attribute depth of meaning and consequence to communication that is obviously not reciprocated by the person with whom I am engaged in conversation. This does not make me the better person or make the other person shallow; it simply means that we have not established a true level of understanding and communication. (Communication is only possible between equals. – RAW)

I have had conversations where nothing was accomplished and nothing was communicated. It simply became a forum for two people to try to out talk one another or to out express one another. Or maybe it was a polite meeting of people who simply waited for the other to finish speaking before they started speaking. Not truly communication, but far from insulting verbal aggression.

That also doesn’t mean that every conversation will be earth shaking or solve world hunger or cure cancer. It simply means that I have not found a true level of exchange that establishes and works on common terms.

I sometimes find myself taken aback by the way I casually use words, especially those that really have a deeper meaning to me. I can present a couple of common examples of what I mean. Sometimes, I will refer to someone as a friend of mine, knowing full well that I can take or leave this person at the drop of a hat. I really think of a friend as someone with and for whom I would go to war, fight, kill, or die. I have had lots of the former in my lifetime and very few of the latter. Sometimes the latter became the former and vice versa.

I use the word man a lot. Much of the time, that word describes a male over the age of 18 who is legally able to be held responsible for his actions by society. Deep down, I think that it should refer to a person of character, integrity, and respect who, regardless of his age, moves through life with dignity befitting a person who truly understands his place in the world. Now, should I allow so many value judgments to enter into my expression?

I would prefer to live and experience life at a deeper level, where words truly express what I mean and the value I place on my relationships. I would rather have all of my actions and conversations express the essence of my being and appreciate all of the joy and pain that my experience has given me as a truly great gift from the Universe.

Then again, maybe I should just lighten up, drop any pretense that I am carrying with me, and not take all of this shit so seriously.

Letting Go of Expectation

I think that in attempting to build my life, I have been trying to shape the way things are supposed to occur and look and feel. Initially, this does not seem unreasonable. I have set up all kinds of things with the expectation of results that occur within a certain ranges. If I choose to eat a certain food that I have eaten before, I expect it to taste a certain way and to have a certain effect. If I play a DVD or CD that I have seen before, I expect the movie’s plot to proceed or the songs to sound the way they did the other times that I played them. If I tune in to ESPN, I expect to see programming about sports.

I have been taught/conditioned that things work this way. Plug in condition A to situation B and get result C. A cause generates an effect, so on and so forth. Outside of strictly controlled conditions, my life has never really worked that way. Oftentimes, I am unable to fully enjoy or experience the fullness of my life because I don’t recognize favorable situations as they occur. I expect things to look a certain way or come in a package that is recognizable and pleasant to my senses. If it doesn’t come in that packaging, I may mistakenly dismiss the opportunity that this thing or circumstance represents.

I almost missed out on the best job that I ever had because I was unfamiliar with the shape in which it came. An agency sent me to interview with a company. My first reaction was, “What do they have to do with the industry that I am trying to enter? They do something completely different.” Of course, I went and got the job and had one of the best working experiences that I ever had. Every day was a learning experience. I was surrounded by interesting people who had brilliant ideas and observations about the world.

I must admit that I didn’t consciously learn this lesson through this experience. I had an opportunity to get an even better job after I was laid off from the first job. I didn’t take it because I was not open to the form that the experience would have taken. I will never know what kind of fantastic growth experience that I missed. I kicked myself really hard for giving up on that opportunity.

Unfortunately, all of this expectation has another effect. Getting caught up in expecting a certain form or shape leads to having the same experience over and over. Even if that experience is pleasurable, repeating the same thing over and over leads to stagnation and decline. Sometimes when things are painful, the pain indicates growth and newness. A wise man once told me that when you're green you grow; when you're ripe you rot.

I have written all of this to say that I have to be less prejudiced about the way an opportunity looks and more open to the possibilities that accompany the opportunity. Not every situation is going to be labeled: ”You will get rich and meet the woman of your dreams” or “You will travel to far-flung, exotic places” or even “Enlightenment is just around the corner.” It will probably say:”I know that this looks a little odd, but just give it a chance.” And, maybe that is one of the beautiful mysteries of the life that I lead.

I really can’t expect everything to be shiny, slick, and to have that new car smell. At some point I may just have to dust my opportunity off, change the oil, and give it a tune up. But once that is completed, it might just take me everywhere that I want to go.

Neurological Enema

I listen to P-Funk. It epitomizes funk. It indoctrinates me with the essence and virtues of the One. It is also informative in that it actually diagnoses some of the social ills and internal conflicts that affect me.

There is one song in particular called “Promentalshitbackwashpsychosisenema Squad” (also known as the Doo-Doo chasers) that is on the “One Nation Under a Groove” album. I think that everyone should check it out. In fact, I think that it should be required listening. The song is all about getting a neurological enema and chasing the doo-doo out of your mind. I can find no better theme song for my quest to rid myself of all of the mental detritus that I carry around.

If you happen to listen to it, especially for the first time, don’t get caught up in what might be considered silly lyrics. Getting beyond Clinton’s seemingly absurdist phraseology brings the listener to a psychological accounting of much of today’s mental nonsense. The lyric “The fear of being eaten by a sandwich” comes to mind when I think of how ridiculous some of the obstacles are that I have placed in my path become in retrospect.

Clinton, in his inimitable style, sermonizes throughout. He starts by declaring that the world is a toll free toilet, our mouths neurological assholes, and psychologically speaking, we are in a state of mental diarrhea, talking shit a mile-a-minute.” His statement is profound and poignant. It boldly tells me where I stand and also tells me that I need to flush myself out.

I am in the process of giving myself the aforementioned neurological enema in an attempt to clear out space for something more useful or at least more interesting or entertaining. So far, it has been a little painful because some of the shit is lodged deep in the folds of my mind and has been stuck there for an awfully long time. The pain is really not from the process but from reluctance to let the doo-doo go, from having to face myself, and having to admit that I don’t need the shit.

Anyway, I hope that eventually I can clean enough out so that I too can realize that “Fried ice cream is a reality.”

Accepting the Unacceptable

I was having a conversation the other day with my mentor. We were talking about business and business models, as we often do. We got on the subject of one specific company and I mentioned that I had no idea of why they were successful and made so much money. He immediately corrected me and told me that I knew exactly why I they achieved such success. I was just unwilling to accept the reasons for their success and, by extension, the legitimacy of their business.

The company and their business model suddenly faded from view. What his statement meant to me at a much higher level hit me like a ton of bricks. I had found another way that I had limited myself and cut off opportunity. I think that the judgmental nature of this self-discovery is the most important part of this little nugget of introspection. Whether I like it or not, there are things, circumstances, and people that exist in my life that do things or represent things that I find unacceptable. That doesn’t mean that these things are illegitimate or are going away because I want them to go away.

I have spent a lot of time eliminating certain words and patterns of thought from my life. I try not to use the words fair or deserve. I don’t always find success with this behavior modification. I try to see past fake moral dilemmas and traps of false logic. I poke holes in all types of bad arguments and conspiracy theories daily. Generally, I try not to be suckered in to the type of thought that I consider to be shallow and reactionary.

Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize something in my own belief system (BS) that was keeping me from moving forward in my understanding of myself and my relationship to the world. Because I didn’t agree with the premise of this business and its product focus, I marginalized its legitimacy. I totally pushed aside the effort and planning that it took to make an idea into a reality. I also marginalized all of the hard working people who contributed their efforts and hard won expertise to this organization. In fact, I had completely overlooked the basic simplicity and brilliance of the business model. Most of all, I pushed aside their right to exist without my approval.

I wrote them off because I didn’t like the idea; not because it was reprehensible or terrible, but because I didn’t like it. In the scope of life in America, what does my preference for a particular business model have to do with its success or failure? Nothing. They are doing just fine without my input or approval. I have chosen not to participate as a consumer in their business. This won’t cause everyone else to find their business undesirable.

I think that in some ways this whole attitude that I discovered in myself is high-handed and short-sighted. I have been marginalized a lot of people, things, and experiences simply because I don’t “like” them. I have labeled things as unacceptable for everyone simply because I didn’t want to accept them. That’s really judgmental and stupid, if I must say so myself. I am still trying to figure out where I got the right to just place something on the scrap heap because it doesn’t please me. My only right in dealing with them or anyone that I don’t like is whether or not I want to buy what they are selling.

Somewhere in all of this, I have fallen into the trap of applying some false sense of morality to this situation and many other situations in my life. I have assumed that my thought process is correct for everyone and should be universally accepted. Somehow, I have taken responsibility for something that has nothing to do with me. Maybe, I am trying to protect the world from a form of “evil.” Why? I don’t know. All I really know is that I have discounted everyone’s responsibility for and right to make their own decisions.

People sell what they have (on many different levels). That is their job. It is everyone else’s job to figure out whether they want to buy what is being offered for sale. They make a choice and deal with the consequences. For whatever reason, I have been thinking that people are being ripped off. Despite my thoughts, no one is complaining. In fact, everyone seems to be going home happy. Apparently, I have completely missed the boat or the point. I forgot that if I don’t want to participate in their game or any game, I don’t have to. And I have no right to push that decision on anyone else. All I really have to do in a circumstance like this one is to accept that they exist as they are and keep moving.

What If I Won the Lottery

I was going to post something else a little more serious today, but I decided against it. Instead, I just let my thoughts go where they wanted to go.

Right now, I am flat broke. I really don’t have any money to speak of. Every now and then, I see one of those lottery signs that says you can win umpteen million dollars for a single dollar’s play. If you win, all of your problems will disappear and life will be just fabulous.

I saw a couple of those specials on lottery winners. One was about people who won and within a few years were busted and back to being just regular old flat broke. It was kind of sad to see people go on this roller coaster ride to the heights of luxury and then come crashing down. They squander all of their new found riches on things that don’t last. They prove themselves unable or, dare I say, unworthy of control and stewardship of the money that they are given. They don’t take any time to prepare or plan out how to use the money to live a materially better life. Some of them even end up in tax trouble or deep in debt because of silly investments or destructive behavior. The show reminded me of a series of horrible train wrecks. And I found that I just couldn’t turn the channel.

The other featured people whose lives had completely changed because of their winnings, how they coped and managed their money, and their new luxurious lifestyles. Some of them spent money on eccentric (They are rich now, so crazy doesn’t apply to them.) habits or collecting all kinds of things. One guy had suits of armor and a fantasy knife collections; knives that looked like something from a sword and sorcery movie. One woman who won was constantly getting random requests from everywhere for money. She was getting letters from people she didn’t know, from people who wouldn’t otherwise have taken the time to even spit on her, for thousands of dollars. These people didn’t even have the sense to try to make pleasant introductions; they just made demands. The post office went so far as to deliver mail to her that was just addressed to the "Lottery Winner". It was absolutely amazing in a disgusting, entitlement way.

I see all of these incredible sums of money advertised, I look at the lint in my pockets, and wonder whether I could handle winning that kind of money. Would I lose my mind? Would I blow it on some bad investments or some frivolous nonsense? Would I blow it all on expensive hookers and fancy homes that I could not keep up in the long term? Would I go to prison for killing former friends and relatives that began demanding things from me? Would I figure out how to use it to its greatest benefit and live a fantastic life? Could I figure out a way to do some good without getting in trouble?

I admit that sometimes I get lost in the possibilities and fantasy. I wonder how many people would tell me that I had sold out or changed. How many people would tell me that I acted like a different person and that it seemed like I didn’t want a lot of my old friends and acquaintances around? I also wonder how insulted they would get when I told them that they were absolutely correct and to kick rocks.

I have also seen specials about wealthy people and how a large part of their lifestyles revolve around the care and management of their money and resources. For many, it seems to be a full-time job and a focus of family discussion and activity. Some let it become an obsession. As far as it developing into a full-time job, that job can’t be as bad as some of the jobs that I have had. In fact it is probably a lot better. You get to set your own hours and agenda and pick your place of business.

I will say that if I can get my hands on a winning lottery ticket, or if anyone out there has a few million that they can slide my way, I will give it the old college try and see where I end up.

The Best Part of My Day

Aside from waking up, I can tell anyone precisely when the best part of my day will occur. Everyday at 8 pm, I talk to my daughter. It’s great. Everyday, I get to talk to the one person who is guaranteed to accept and love me for who I am.

Many days, the promise of getting to talk to her keeps me from going out and doing something stupid. Many lives, my own included, have been saved by the promise of being able to have a short, daily conversation with my little girl.

Properly distilled, I think that her smile could cure cancer, blindness, arthritis, and bad attitudes. I’d take it straight to the vein if I could.

When things are going to hell in a hand basket, she single-handedly restores balance to the Force and makes everything alright. Darth Vader, Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, and Dick Cheney wouldn’t stand a chance against her. She could wipe them out entirely with a laugh and a song.

So next time anybody calls me at eight and gets ignored, it’s because I am talking to the most important person in the universe. And if anyone doesn’t like it, who cares.

Gratitude

Lately, I have been struggling conceptually and practically with the concept of gratitude. More specifically, I have been trying to figure out how and if I should express a sense of gratitude for the things that I have been experiencing. In fact, I am really trying to figure out what gratitude really means to me. Is it a fawning and gushy expression or is it a cognizance, acknowledgment, and expression of awareness of what is really important to me?

For the last ten years, I have been through a roller coaster ride of build-up and disappointment. I have accomplished some things that I never thought were possible and hit some lows that made me want to nuke the entire East Coast. Most of this phase of my journey through life has been dominated by lows. I have had the rug pulled out from under me by a lot of different people. And I have been told, “That’s life” by the people who have watched me fall. Some of those that have watched me fall have also shown themselves to be petty agitators by trying to kick me in the jewels while I am down. I know that they think that they have the upper hand, but I know that the only reason that they can even hope to reach me at this point is because I am down.

I have come to the conclusion that I will let the petty be petty and go about my business. Once I have reached my goals and am living as I desire to live, I will observe their reactions and attitudes. Once I am tired of laughing at them and pitying them, I will cease to care. That is if I even have time to engage in that type of behavior. Living well will be the best revenge.

Putting pettiness and its purveyors aside, I find that my problem is trying to get past the hurt of the circumstances that I face. I can easily deal with people through whatever means are necessary to deal with them. Circumstances, however, can not be dealt with through rational or irrational argument, through reason or threat of violence, or through some type of blackmail or bribe. Circumstance must be dealt with and worked through. It has no desire or emotion to which one can appeal. It simply is.

Now, I am not going to act as if my life has been the most difficult or painful experience that any human has experienced - far from it. I live in America. I have been able to gain a top-flight education, and have had the benefit of having great people around me who have shown me love and care. I wouldn’t dare compare myself to anyone living in a country or region that is being torn asunder by war, pestilence, famine, disease, or neo-colonialist destabilization. Those are problems far more dire and important that anything that I could sit up and bitch about.

Still, I find it hard to feel grateful when I am getting steam-rolled by circumstances beyond my control and when my efforts have no tangible impact on my well-being. When I find myself behind the proverbial eight ball, it’s hard for me to step back and look at the bigger picture and put my life in a real perspective. I feel like I am in a fight and that I am really getting my ass handed to me.

I realize that I have been affected by the American dream in many of the wrong ways. America is a very consumer-oriented culture. All of the advertising and de facto social stratification pushes everyone, even skeptics like me, to compare themselves with others. I find myself being worried by what I don’t have and not cognizant enough of what I do have. I don’t want to keep up with or pass the Joneses, but I do want the option to shop at the same stores that they go to without having to check my bank balance or save up for six months.

Despite my misgivings and short-sightedness, I know that my life is actually relatively good. My basic necessities are covered. I live safely in a house, I eat every day. I can take a shower and brush my teeth to take care of my hygiene. My clothes and shoes are clean and free of holes. I know who truly loves me. I have a great music collection that I can take everywhere I go on an MP3 player. My mind is intact and fully functional. Despite all of my past injuries and trips to the emergency room, I am fairly healthy and all of my limbs and organs are working well. I can watch television when I want. And, best of all, I have the most beautiful daughter that a man could hope to have, bar none.

These things all mean much more to me than whether I can afford a custom made Armani suit or whether I can drive that M5 that I have had my eye on. I will eventually get the house and lifestyle that I want. It’s just hard for me to remember all of that when my movement and options seem to be so limited and I am so dependent on others to do things for me. It’s hard to be patient and work through the challenges that life puts before me.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what I will feel when tomorrow comes. I do know, however, what I am thinking and feeling today. I am thankful that I have what is really important to me and that I have the opportunity to express and remember those things. I hope that I can remember them tomorrow.