Money and Guilt

My little girl’s birthday is soon and I can’t afford to get her much. She is young now and probably won’t remember much of this time in her life. But I will. I don’t really know how I feel about these types of situations.

At this point in my life, I should be at the point of really being established. I should have at least one house, a growing savings, community ties, a thriving career or business, and a large network contacts that facilitate my agenda. At least that is what I was taught by society at large. Life has not panned out to be what society told me. I don’t know whether I should feel relieved, thankful, disappointed, angry or what. I just wish that I could buy my little girl a doll house or some other girly present so that I can see the smile on her pretty face.

I don’t feel like I’m guilty of not loving her or not showing her love. Yet, I do find it problematic that I can’t do the things that I want to do for her. I am broke as hell. Many people around me are acting like I should be ashamed for the way my life is going. They think that I should be happy to go do anything that will make me even a little money. My daughter and a few other people are the only ones who are not questioning my character or my attempts to find a better path. That says to me that maybe I should not worry about my current state and that I should keep moving.

I haven’t found a way to rid myself of the guilt, pressure, and anger that go with being at a real low point. I am only human and those things were conditioned into me. I am actually disturbed by this situation. Those who really know me would probably be surprised by this admission. (I can be really aloof, distant, and cavalier about life and stress.) What’s even more disturbing to me in this whole scenario is how important money is to me at a time like this.

I am not going to be naïve and tell anyone that money doesn’t matter. That would be a stupid and ridiculous lie. It makes all of the difference in the world, sometimes. It just shouldn’t make the difference all of the time. I haven’t reached a point in my personal development where I can truly separate myself from my frustration over being broke and the impact that my financial state has on my internal life. It impacts how I relate to my friends and relatives, how I spend my time, and how I prioritize my life.

Right now, I feel like I have very little choice in how my life is going. And I think that that is the heart of my self-conflict and emotional state. I can’t speak for anyone but myself. So all I can say is that choice, or even the illusion of choice, helps me to feel more empowered. Any triumphs or mistakes that I make or experience are truly mine and I can control them and own them. At this point I don’t feel that I have ownership of or control over anything.

Don’t make the mistake that I am going to shoot myself in the head. I am also through with self-pity parties. I just need to find my own answers about how I can move forward. I don’t think that is too much to ask of the Universe; that and a winning lottery ticket.

Anyway, I bought my kid a cute little Disney birthday card. I think that she will like it.