It's Not Personal

One of the hardest lessons that I have trying to learn over the last year or so is that of not taking things personally. I can definitely say that I have not learned the lesson completely because I keep falling into the trap of getting angry at situations and people that try to put me into awkward positions in life. I am still trying to correct outside influences instead of correcting my own attitudes toward these situations and people.

Because of my circumstances, I have been the target of a lot of personal attacks by people who think that I am at fault for everything that is wrong with the world. Huge, familiar parts of the world are breaking down and taking a lot of established and “stable” ideas and ways of life with them. Somehow, I am supposed to be immune to these sweeping changes. Somehow, I am above it all and just not trying to do better. There is no convincing my attackers and detractors that there are forces at work that are beyond my control that are shaping and reshaping our reality.

Whatever is going on and whatever the source of this upheaval, one thing is certain: the world is rapidly changing (edit) and is becoming is a much different place than we were told it was. Things are no longer guaranteed to happen in any specific order, if at all. Things that I thought were connected are no longer so. Some things that were once solid no longer exist in any palpable fashion.

I am only now beginning to consider how the massive changes in today’s world are affecting everyone. People are afraid, tense, and on edge. As such, everyone is doing more things that would normally be considered irrational or even insane. And that includes projecting internal conflicts onto people who have nothing to do with the real struggle that is being faced in today’s world. I have had those days when I have gone off on someone for no apparent reason for something that just came out of left field.

Over the last few years, I have had people who in every conversation with me have questioned my motivation, my work ethic, my intelligence and common sense, and, most offensively, my character. It gets really hard to talk to people whose first instinct is to imply that you are a liar, especially when those people have no standing to accuse anyone of lying. It is even worse when those people are supposed to be those closest to me and those upon whom I should be able to depend.

All of this leads me to the lesson that I have been trying to learn. I am recognizing that most of the things that think that we say to others are really externalizations of our inner dialogue. People are attempting to communicate their own fears, joys, triumphs, and failures. Everyone is justifying their own actions to themselves for good or bad. We all do this. We are all guilty of the same “crime” so to speak.

Considering all of this, I am trying to understand myself and my reactions. I am also trying to use this thought process to understand the people with whom I have come into conflict. I am attempting to dig beneath the surface to find out what is really motivating people to say and do things that they are saying and doing. Whether I can or cannot make sense of it, I try to let it go without hesitation. Are they angry at themselves or someone else for something that is out of their control? Are they expressing guilt and anxiety? Am I taking all of this out of context? Whatever it is, I have begun to make an effort to not react from anger or a heightened sense of self defense.

Instead, I am trying to squash conflict and minimize aggression. To be honest, it’s hard. Sometimes, it just feels better to let loose on someone who steps out of line or says something ridiculous. Sometimes, it is really hard not to let anger overrule the love that we are all supposed to be expressing out here. (Maybe, I am fooling myself about the love, but I hope not.)

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to give a message of warm and fuzzy, New Age, let’s all move to a commune, peace, love, and happiness. I am consciously trying to volunteer out of the stress, misery, and BS that is so pervasive out here. For the most part it’s not necessary and I am trying to recognize it that way. I can’t yet call myself successful in this; all that I can do is keep working at it.

As part of this, I have to remember that everyone is projecting some part of their inner conflict out into this world that we share. Everyone has some part of that conflict that is irrational and cannot be reasoned with. When I feel like I am being attacked, I have to recognize that there are things that the things being said and done have nothing to do with me. I try to understand that despite the unpleasantness, I am just a target in someone else’s game. That doesn’t mean that I am just going to take it. Instead, I try to deal with things in a more gentle way so as to minimize the potential damage.

I also have to recognize that I am just as guilty of projecting some of my own unpleasantness onto people and situations. Hopefully, I can recognize the trap and thus avoid it. I have my good days and my bad days at recognition. More than that I hope that I can let go of any potential hurt caused by conflict, give no meaning to the situations that I face, and not question my character in the process.

Mixed in with all of this contemplation, I still try to listen actively. Sometimes what people say to me is for my benefit. I don’t want to fade so far into a sense of self righteousness that I forget that sometimes people are trying to say things that can help me. Sometimes my stuff really does stink.

I think that thing that gets me through a lot of the conflict and nonsense that I face is the knowledge that I am not alone in this struggle. Everyone is hurting. The more people that recognize it, the easier that it will be to not kick the crap out of each other over things that don’t really matter.