Getting Out of My Own Way

Recently, on one of my daily walks, I saw a bumper sticker that said: “Let go & Let God.” I have seen a thousand similar bumper stickers and signs. This time I had to pay really close attention to this phrase, think about the current arc of my life, and figure out why I am not where I want to be. I am a reasonably intelligent person who works hard to accomplish my goals. I have exhibited good character and respect throughout my life. Why aren’t things going as I think that they should?

I think that I have stumbled, at least in part, upon the answer to that question. I have come to the conclusion that the greatest struggle that I am currently facing is the struggle to get out of my own way. Somehow, I have to avoid or eliminate the behaviors that limit and stifle the life that I am trying to consciously create for myself. I have to, for lack of a better word, transcend my training and learned behavior to get to the life and happiness that lies beyond my self-imposed limitations.

Most of my life, I have participated in activities that are dependent on my ability to think, to direct my emotion, and to control the outcome of events through achievement within certain pre-defined rules and guidelines. In most of the activities in which I have participated, I have been able to do pretty well. The places that I have not done well or even failed have been full of challenges in which I am not totally engaged, have not accepted the situation as valid, or not felt comfortable with the path toward the relevant goal.

When I look at my successes, they have, in many cases, come within the confines of a controlled system where the outcomes could be predicted and parameters of success were readily defined. My failures or less than stellar performances have come in arenas that are more amorphous and less structured. That is not to say that I have always failed in less defined situations. Instead, when I am out of my element, I am less likely to do well.

The easiest conclusion that I can draw about myself is that my level of success has been dependent on my level of comfort. That comfort is not really a physical condition, but a mental and emotional one. While this seems like a very obvious conclusion to make, it isn’t necessarily easy for me to admit. I am supposed to be adaptable and able to deal with different situations through force of intellect, strength of character, and people’s recognition of my value to the situations involved.

The more that I experience, the more that I learn that life is not about the artificial boundaries that I have set for myself or some artificial, arbitrary, and imposed system of human logic that is no more relevant to true life experience than it is to the reason that the sun shines. It is becoming clearer to me that the meaning of my life is the meaning that I give to it. And that meaning is only truly relevant to me and the path that I walk. I have also begun to accept that life, especially some of the most valuable parts, is not comfortable.

The more that I look at my life, the more that I see that life and success aren’t just about independent, self-contained talent or exhibiting mind-blowing excellence. Sometimes it is just being at the right place at the right time, recognizing opportunity, or any of a million other clichéd phrases. More generally, I think that I have missed a certain amount of openness and receptivity to what I could have done to enrich my experience. I just have to accept what life has presented and choose how to best deal with it.

I also must admit that I have allowed certain negative aspects of my experience to close off what could have been valuable lessons and experiences that could have propelled me so much farther toward the life that I want to lead. I have allowed a kind of experiential prejudice ruin the chance to grow, to do wonderful things, and to make me a better person. I have allowed to myself to stifle good things and not truly do the work to bring myself up to the level of living of which I know I am capable.

I have always considered my intellect to be my greatest strength. It has been the tool that I have used to accomplish most of the things in which I have found success. Recently, my intellect and accomplishments have become something of a burden or detriment. Some of the things that I have said and my interactions with people who do not share my background have been construed as intimidating or overwhelming. This fits with the times in that our country has been experiencing a prolonged wave of anti-intellectualism.

This doesn’t excuse my part in this set of circumstances. I have not displayed the type of forethought and mental flexibility necessary to counteract the potentially negative effects of my background and credentials on those who may not feel that they measure up. I have not reconfigured my presentation of myself to demonstrate my understanding of current circumstances and adapt to the real world. Instead, I have demanded that the world accept me on my terms without having a true need for me at all. I am not owed anything material by any specific person.

Even more importantly, I have gone too far by over-intellectualizing everything. (You can probably tell that by all of this verbosity.) My training and experience and my dependence on intellectual solutions to my problems have painted me into a corner or trapped me inside some type of Zen koan. I am only now coming to realize that there are not always logical solutions to problems that I face. In fact, many of my problems can not be solved logically or be solved by the things that I think will solve them.

My dependence on intellect and my desire to control circumstance have put me in conflict with the Universe or God or whatever is the best way to address that force that is all. Maybe I have, through my inability to allow things happen for me, forced myself into a metaphysical martial arts contest in which my greatest strength is being used against me. All of the (sometimes negative) over-thinking that I have done just gives power and form to poor outcomes. All of the intellectual pressure that I apply to situations to try to force my will into being is being redirected back at me with much greater intensity. And I have just not known how to handle it.

The best way that I can describe it is to compare myself to a gardener. I must provide the right amounts and ration of sunlight water and nutrients to get my garden (favorable situations) to grow. Too little and they wither away from lack of attention; too much and they are damaged or burnt from overdoing it. I have not yet found the right balance or amount and have burnt up my garden.

All of my attitudes and assumptions have me questioning my behavior within situations and toward the people that have passed through my life. It also has me trying to approach things differently. I think that I have to pull up and just allow situations to progress at their own individual paces. I also have to deal with things as they are and not try to project myself into or onto situations. I have to “let it do what it do.” I have get out of the way of my own progress, let the Universe/God handle things, and trust that at some point everything is going to be alright.